Big decision

Had a dr's appt today.

Lost 3lbs. Yay! I weigh less now than I have in at least 3 weeks.

Bottom number was 85 for bp.. It had been above 90 when I had to go to the hospital last week but then dropped into the 70's and had stayed there- even with the bad protein levels.

If my levels stay in the pre-eclamptic range (evidenced by my tests tomorrow morning), they'll induce on Monday. I expect them to since they haven't gone back to non-preeclampsia levels all week.

Which is good news right? We'll have a baby on Monday!

But not exactly...

They did another sonogram to see if he was head down (after feeling my belly bunches, which was NOT comfortable!) and he is not head down like they thought. He's breech.

So by tomorrow, when he calls with the test results, we have to decide from the following two options:

1) Go in Monday for a C-section early that morning. I'd know what would happen.. It seems to be the safest given the risks I'll talk about in a minute.. and it would be over quickly. However, I'm scared to DEATH of a C-section. I don't want the needle in my back.. I don't want to be lying there while they cut me open.. I don't want to have a scar forever.. and I don't want to go through the long, painful healing process.

or

2) Go in Monday, be monitored, by mid-morning have the doctor try to manually turn Aeson, and if that works be induced. The doctor has turned other babies and has never had anything bad happen but there are risks.. the baby could be injured or the placenta could become detached. (which may be more of a risk for me because of my low-lying placenta) There's also a chance it won't work and we'd have to have the C-section anyway. I've read there's anywhere from a 50-80% success rate. If something should happen during the turning, I think that would mean emergency C-section too, which means being put under and Eric not being there. (Planned, I would be awake and Eric would be there.. but there would still be an hour recovery by myself :() Or it could work and I could have a natural birth.. that may be a little worse he said just because Baby isn't head down and therefore there's been no pressure on my cervix or anything, allowing it to thin.

So those are our two options. At first I was leaning more toward trying the turning and natural. I'd love to have another natural birth just like Westen's. I didn't even get an epidural and the whole needle in my back FREAKS me out! (Plus I have a curved spine.. possibly more risks) I can't imagine CHOOSING surgery.

But then I think I'm choosing my own fears/anxiety over what's best for the baby. I may regret not trying first.. but I'd regret even more if something DID go wrong and Baby was injured. There are risks with C-sections too, though.. but moreso with me than the baby.

So I have no idea what to do.. I've talked to everyone and it seems like people are leaning more toward scheduled C-section. They all know I have to make the decision for myself, though. The thought of the healing.. the scar.. the pain.. I just can't stand it.

But I almost feel like I'm going against what nature's telling me.. with first the previa, now the position and pre-eclampsia.. if I don't choose C-section.

It's too difficult of a decision.

The doctor wouldn't give his recommendation. He said both are options and he wouldn't give them as options if he didn't feel they really were. He's a good doctor and I trust him.. but I've also been in the minority with all of this going on and feel that just because nothing's gone wrong so far, it doesn't mean it won't with me. I mean really.. I wonder how many people he's had with ALL of this!

I just want to be home with my baby.. both of us healed and healthy.

Pregnancy Problems & Adoption!

Big update!

Last Friday, I was supposed to have my 34.5 week appt.. They called because they had a couple cancellations and wanted to know if I could come in sooner. I rushed out, thinking it'd be the usual 5 minute appointment and I'd be back to work in 15 minutes or so. When I got there, my weight had only gone up 2lbs this time and the nurse took my vitals. Soon the midwife came in and said my blood pressure was high.. She repeated it and it was still high. They didn't tell me what it was but said I'd be going over to the hospital for monitoring. I really wasn't worried and felt silly being wheeled over in a wheelchair. Blood pressure was still high when I arrived (the bottom number was 92 or 94.. can't remember) and the baby wasn't moving much. It wasn't too long before my bp went down to normal but they still weren't getting the heartrate accelerations that come from movements from baby. They finally did and we got to go home a couple of hours after arriving there. Eric works 45 minutes away which we're finding really inconvenient with this pregnancy! Luckily he got off early that day and got to the hospital for about the last half.

They sent me with a 24 hour urinalysis, which I started that afternoon and took in Saturday afternoon. Westen stayed with my mom Friday night and ended up staying most of the weekend, which was very helpful and he LOVES it out there. About an hour after I'd taken the UA in, I paged the midwife as I was told and she said she'd look up my results and call me back. I'd been going about my regular activities all that day and had just gotten all ready to go to a play in Eric's hometown that evening. Sharie (midwife) called me back and said my levels were 333 (I've since found out 'normal' is 0-150) and that we would be delivering the baby if I was 36 weeks.. but since I'm not, she put me on strict bedrest and said we can monitor it for a bit. She said to lie on my side and only get up to go to the bathroom.. to eat meals in a recliner, limiting my sitting time.

I was pretty upset after that.. I've read about pre-eclampsia (although she hasn't actually said those words to me) and it can be so scary. And while I've been wanting more rest, lying in bed 24/7 does not at ALL appeal to me. Especially day after day. I'm still scared to death of birth.. of Aeson not being developed.. etc, etc. It has been one bad thing after another with this pregnancy, each of which only happens to a very small percentage of people and each of which I have had NONE of the risk factors for. It blows my mind. I'm not a very 'positive' person (I think of myself as more 'realistic') and I just don't see how birth could go well after pretty much nothing has this entire time. I hate even typing this but death has been a risk with each thing I've had and I'm scared to DEATH of that happening. Literally terrified. I can't imagine leaving my two boys.. and Eric. And pre-eclampsia is also the leading cause of death of the baby as well.

Anyway, I don't know if it was my own anxiety or what, but it felt like my headache got worse as the evening wore on and I just didn't feel 'right.' I called the midwife, who told me to go in and be monitored again. It wasn't as long this time, as everything checked out normal and they've said baby looks good each time. I forgot to say that at my appointment, the midwife agreed with thinking Aeson IS head down now!

Bloodwork came back actually better than the day before (it had come back fine then), and they sent me with another 24 hour UA. I got those results back yesterday and while they didn't tell me the exact numbers, they did say it had gotten better so to continue bedrest and start yet another 24 hour UA & bloodwork the following day. So that's where I am now.

Let me tell you.. bedrest SUCKS! Especially as I'm at the end of my pregnancy and want everything to be clean and done. Eric's been very helpful about some things but he has gotten frustrated with everything as well.. which then upsets me. While it's obviously helping the diagnosis I have, it seems it's making things more painful for me. It hurts so badly when I get up or move now and I think it's from my body being at rest so much now.

I have an appointment on Friday with the OB, so I'm going to ask what the 'plan' is. I want more than anything for Aeson to be fully developed and ready to come.. but at the same time, I can't imagine weeks more of bedrest.. and that's scary financially too, as I'm off work now because of this. His health is definitely most important, though.

My family and friends have been amazing since. Mom has watched Westen a lot, most people have brought us food, a couple friends have visited (one bringing reading material :)), and it's just so appreciated.. I wish I could express to them just how much.

***

Other big piece of news.. I had been waiting weeks to hear back from my attorney after calling her and suddenly yesterday, she calls! ..Informing me that Wes had finally shown up at court (I hadn't even known there'd been a date) and that he signed the papers, giving up all rights forever and irrevocably. I was shocked. I still am in shock. I can't believe he actually DID IT. And not due to any actions of mine.. He just decided to do it earlier this summer and sent my lawyer a letter saying so and then now signed the papers. I am very happy and relieved.. He will never be able to come in and out of Westen's life, and I will never again have to worry about Westen going to him or being influenced by him. But at the same time, I can never understand how parents can do that and it will be very hard to explain to Westen when he's older. I am happy that we're all a family now.. a real family. Eric, the only dad he has ever known, is now the only dad he will ever have. There are a few very simple things we have to go through but the adoption will be final in 30 days or so.

Nine months seems so long!

The photos are an early snapshot of the ones taken at my session last weekend. A photographer Eric's parents know needed a pregnant model, so she did the session at no charge and is giving us one free enlarged photo.. and then doing our newborn shots for free and giving us 10 free birth announcements! I think I got the better end of the deal. :) The photos are so cute.. I love them and can't wait to see the rest. I didn't get pregnant ones taken with Westen, and I'm very glad I did this time.

I'm 34 1/2 weeks pregnant now. And ready to go too!!! I'm sure the rest of the time will fly by, but I really cannot wait to have Aeson HERE. I've felt a little different lately.. not as much appetite, a little more energy, much more emotional, and the baby hasn't been moving as much. I called the doctor because it was such a drastic change. He went from constantly kicking, nudging, etc to barely moving at all and when he does, it's just little tiny nudges that I almost wonder if I really felt or not. A couple of nights/mornings, I drank a lot and laid on my side and he did move 10 times within in hour each time.. but unless I do that, there's really not much movement. He used to move all night long, especially when I'd change position, and always after eating.. and now there's just nothing. It doesn't seem right to me, but the midwife said it's fine. She said they would be happy with even 10 movements a day. I've heard differing things about movement too.. one that they get big and run out of room and also that once they're head down, they don't move as much.. and two that they should not change patterns or have a decrease in movement at all before birth. I have a dr's appt on Friday, so I'll talk to her more in person then.

32 week appt and other updates

I am getting huge.. beyond huge! I feel like I'm going to blow up! My feet have been SO swollen lately too.. They hurt pretty badly last night.

First of all, big news from my dr's appt! I went today (32 weeks, 4 days) to have the sonogram done to look specifically at the cervix and placenta. He showed me the cervix... then an appendage of the baby's that was right there by my cervix :) (it looked like a foot to me)... and then the placenta. He measured, and the placenta is 3 centimeters from my cervix!!! 3 centimeters does not seem very much at ALL to me, but he seemed confident that we will be able to try a vaginal birth. He said I may have some marginal bleeding during birth but otherwise, everything should be fine. AND there's no chance of it moving back down. I also finally asked him if this would be more likely in future pregnancies and he said no- it's just basically a random thing. So that makes me feel lots better too! So NO C-SECTION!!! You have absolutely no idea how relieved I am.. AND all of my restrictions have now been lifted!! I feel like I can actually halfway get back to my normal self. I wanted a birth like Westen's so badly with this one and now hopefully I will have it! I gained another 5lbs this time.. in 2 weeks! :S I blame that mostly on eating out. We've (correction-- Eric) been re-doing our kitchen floor.. sanding, staining, and polyurethaning it and so we haven't been able to walk on it and therefore have done a lot of eating out! This leaves me 6lbs shy of the weight I gained with Westen, and I'm pretty sure that over the next 5 weeks I will gain more than that! Wow, that's crazy to think Aeson could be here in 5 weeks. (Westen was born at 38 weeks) My blood pressure was like 130 something over 80 something. Aeson's heartrate was 123. I asked if that was okay, because it seemed low to me. Doc said it's fine, though. Westen's heartrate was always much faster than this baby's has been.

Oh! Aeson is still transverse, though. Every once in a while, I am certain that his head is down (I can tell because he gets hiccups ALL the time) but he always moves back. I just read through old diary entries and Westen was also transverse all the way up until the very end (even at 37 weeks, they weren't sure if he was head down or not), so I'm hoping this one will be the same. My doctor said we could try to move him if he doesn't do it on his own.. I've heard that's incredibly painful, though, and has risks involved. So hope for me that he will turn around!!

I feel like he's already so big.. He's getting so heavy the bottom of my belly is sore a good majority of the time. When he moves, I can also feel him from the very top to the very bottom of my stomach and from the farthest areas of each side.

Job-wise, they figured out a way to keep us all full-time for July at least. We have no idea what will happen in August. The state still has not come up with ANY sort of budget and the fiscal year started on the first. They're going back on the 14th and hopefully we'll know then.

Nothing new as far as court is concerned. He either hasn't shown up or has rescheduled every time. I'm waiting on a call back from my lawyer now to go over our options from here.

Speaking of, we ran directly into him at Walmart two nights ago. We were coming out of an aisle just as he and his g/f were walking by. (We could have ran into them) Not a word was said, of course. I told Eric that what I think is even worse than him seeing his son and not saying a single thing or acknowledging him at ALL is that Westen sees him as a stranger.. He has no clue who he is. We, of course, have continued to hear absolutely nothing from him or his family.

Westen has been such a doll lately but also SO ..I'm not even sure what word to use! If he does something he knows he'll get in trouble for, he'll hide it (even right in front of us!) or SWEAR that he didn't do it. He's said that monsters do it. Most of it is silly stuff he probably wouldn't even get in trouble for but thinks he would for some reason! Last night, he had just woken up from a nap and we were on our way to my sister's house.. He said he didn't want to take a nap there, and I told him he didn't have to because he'd just taken one.. A couple minutes later he yawned and then immediately said 'That wasn't me. I'm not tired.' haha. It's so funny because in his little brain he probably thinks we'll believe it/won't see it/etc. :) He's such a good boy.. so intelligent.. always apologizing when he does something bad.. and is SO loving (always one kiss and two hugs!).. I've found myself wondering how much this baby will differ from him. I do wonder what life will be like having two children, but I have had none of the thoughts like 'how could I love another child' and that kind of thing that people say happens frequently.. I love Westen more than anyone in the world, and I'm certain that I will feel the exact same way about this one- and therefore both of them at the same time. I have no doubt I have enough love. :)