First Week Done

Last week was full of so many mixed feelings! I felt..

proud to have been accepted into the program (did I say there are only 30 of us?)
so worried about my baby girl
thankful for the opportunity
excited for all the learning
sad I'm going to miss out on time with my babies
scared that I can't do it
certainty that I can do it
bored at times
overwhelmed with all the reading and homework
nervous, especially the first day
happy that I'm where I'm meant to be & doing what I'm certain I'm meant to be doing
glad that my prior education and experience only add to this
incredibly thankful for my husband who made all of us meals, kept up the house, and took care of my babies; my family and friends for support; my mother-in-law for watching my babies too, so they don't have to be somewhere they don't know; and my grandma for her constant help-- she surprised us with dinner one night, offered to watch the boys another night so Eric & I could go to dinner, and watched the boys for several hours on Saturday so I could do homework

It totally depends on the day & what's going on, both at school and at home, whether I feel good or bad about all of it. I'm hoping this will be the last week Aubryn has difficulty.. In my experience, it usually takes babies two full weeks to get used to something new. Eric & I have worked pretty well together with all the changes. I think it's good for both of us!

Nursing School - Week One

I'm about halfway through my first week of nursing school!

Monday was orientation.. It was pretty scary! The director talked about how it's much easier to get into nursing school than stay in, how med school is easier (vet school is the only thing harder, she said), how we have to have no other responsibilities & must say "goodbye" to our family & friends (they'll have us all our lives, she said, while nursing school only takes 4 semesters), how she'll embarrass us if we don't do the work we're supposed to, and on and on.. And if we don't do these things, we won't make it. How we appear is also very strict, and we'll be sent home if we don't follow the guidelines. It's pretty nerve-wracking!

Filling out my planner was also overwhelming.. I have my schedule now, and I don't think it's that bad; however, all the homework we have to do is INSANE. Every class period, there are countless exercises due and TONS of reading. Just for one class this first week, we have to read 200 pages. It's going to be tons of work, but I'm sure the four semesters will go by very quickly.

Eric's on vacation this week, and things seem to be going pretty well. He's done a great job at keeping up on housework and while the meals he's made haven't been the healthiest, at least I have someone to cook for me/us! I'm worried about his return to work next week, because things will get much harder! We'll manage, though, I'm sure!

Little miss Aubryn still would not take a bottle, even when I was gone all day. She's eating some solids now, so Eric's been feeding her those when I'm gone. She's been more fussy, but nothing he hasn't been able to handle. She's such a different baby than Mr. Aeson was, and for that, I'm thankful! I think she's teething again on top of all the changes, so she's been a little off this week.. I'm sure we'll get into the swing of things, though.

I miss my babies, and it makes me tear up when I have to read or go to class instead of spending time with them.. But once I'm in class, I'm fine, and I really am excited to get started on my career.

When I visited my midwife last week for a physical, she was talking to a student who was with her and said, "Ashley will be interested in this. She's going to be a midwife someday." I love that she barely knows me really but has that much confidence in me.. confidence I don't have in myself! I'm so glad I met her, though, and I really do hope I can make it through and study under her one day. She's a fabulous woman!

Nursing school in ONE week

There is ONE week left until school starts. That's it! The thought gives me butterflies and makes me feel slightly nauseous.

I have so many mixed feelings about starting nursing school.. I'm nervous, since I don't know what to expect and won't be going through it with any of my friends.. I'm excited- to learn, to master, and to be able to move forward with a career I want.. I'm sad, since I will be leaving my baby girl and my 3 year old boy all day, when they're used to me being home.. I feel proud, and scared, and all sorts of things!

It brings tears to my eyes that I'll have to leave my little ones. I love them so, so much, and I hope they always know that. I do believe it's important to do something with my life.. Not that being a mother isn't; I just so often feel like I devote everything - my entire being - to that, and I'm not sure that's setting the best example. I still will devote everything I have to being a good mother, but I also want to have SOMEthing for myself. When they're older, it will be good for me to have a career.. and it will be good for them in many ways too. (Do I sound like I'm trying to convince myself? Maybe I am!)

I've been getting up earlier to get my body used to it, so I'm not dead tired the first week of school. That has been hard! I'm pretty tired throughout the day, but I also enjoy being up before everyone else & I've found time to exercise being awake so many hours! I've gotten all my books and supplies.. The only thing I don't have is my iPad, which is being repaired! (thank goodness for the extra coverage  we got on it!)

Westen will be starting first grade the same day I start school, and he's all ready as well. Eric took the first week off from work, so he'll be staying home with them all. I hope he's ready, because it will for sure be a transition for all of us!

I've heard such horror stories about nursing school.. how difficult it is, etc. I think my main worry is that I just can't do it. I don't like being a failure, and I hope I won't be. Several songs and sayings help give me strength and the belief that I CAN do it, so hopefully I can just keep those in mind.

Summertime

It has been SO hot here (over 100 degrees for days, with no rain). It's made it too hot to even do much outside. We spent the 4th of July with my sister and her family. Westen & Aeson both enjoyed the fireworks, and even Aub was awake still (nursing part of the time & watching part of the time). Westen's been going to a Vacation Bible School this week. He loves it! Both boys also finished the library summer reading program. They got certificates, toys, personal pizzas, and tickets to a couple events. We've gone to see the local "zoo lady" and a magician there. I'm so glad we have these programs for the kids to do.. Especially since they're free! We've gone to the newest Madagascar and Ice Age movies- with all 3 kids at the theater! Westen also attended a day summer camp all about insects that he loved. This past week, we've been getting things ready for school and Aeson's upcoming birthday. Westen picked out his own school shoes and a Mario backpack and lunchbox again. :) I took him by myself, and it was nice to spend some one on one time with my oldest boy! With school coming up (another bill for us), it was absolutely necessary that we come up with a budget. We've tried before but never this in depth. I went back and looked at past months, figuring out how much we spent on everything. I was SHOCKED at how much we spend at Walmart! We are now trying to avoid that place as much as we can! We go to Aldi & the dollar store to get everything we can and then go there if we absolutely must for one or two things. I also didn't realize how much we spend on gas. Now I have a specific amount I allot after bills are paid and then take what we have left out after that, so our spending money (which includes everything other than groceries) is in cash. It makes me realize exactly how much we have. It also really makes one think about what they want to spend their money on! We haven't eaten out since. I'm worried about big costs that come up (3 kids is getting super expensive..between clothes, camps, diapers, haircuts, sports, school supplies, etc), but I'm trying my Hardest not to worry. I'm hoping to have a yard sale and also sell some of the baby items online to get some more spending money. We're meeting with an insurance agent tomorrow to see if we can get our insurance any cheaper. Anyone have any tips as far as all this is concerned?? It definitely makes me remember why I'm going to school & how important it is!

4 months

Ms. Aubryn turned 4 months on Sunday. Several weeks ago, she started grabbing at toys. This past weekend, she figured out how to happily scream and also how to blow bubbles with her mouth. She's also really using her tummy muscles in an effort to sit up. She hates tummy time, which is weird since she likes it so muh as a newborn. She also hasn't been sleeping as well, especially during the day and I feel like a human pacifier! I think, and hope, it's just a reflection of her increased awareness and all the cognitive chanes going on right now. Aeson is a typical almost 3 year old. He's been potty trained (well, for peeing) for quite some time now. He's recently gotten scared of the dark, so he's also keeping us up at night! Westen is still pretty much the same! They really change less, or slower anyway, as they get older. He's growing somewhat bored with summer but isn't ready to return to school yet. We're working on learning to read with him. Eric was dancing with Aubryn last night & asked if that was how they were going to dance at her wedding. It made me teary! I'm busy working on the list that's a mile long of things I need to do before nursing school. I wish I could stop worrying about it.. It's just going to be a big change, and I hate relying on other people for watching my babies. I am super thankful I'm even able to go, though.. Hopefully it will be worth it and a major boost for our family.

3 months

Aubryn is 3 months old now! She's starting to get into a routine all on her own. She has a short nap in the morning! Sleeps for several hours around lunchtime, and then has a couple more little naps before bedtime. She gets fussy if we're not in bed by around 9 too. She slept all night again the other night (from 10:30-6:30!). She's so smiley, especially in the mornings, and she loves to "talk". Even though I know she's not, it seriously sounds like she's saying real words sometimes! One of her coos sounds just like "hiiii." :) Western and I are done with school for the summer! I ended the semester with one A and one B, and I'm happy with that. Both classes had labs, which means double the work, and it was hard to find the time toward the end of my pregnancy and shortly after having Aubryn. Yesterday was Westen's last day! I can't believe he'll be going into first grade! We are contemplating a move to Eric's hometown again. It all came about because I'm not sure (actually, I'm pretty certain we wont be able to) if we could afford Westen going to private school again next year. My mom mentioned a house that just came on the market, so we've looked at it a couple times. Westen says he doesn't mind switching schools, but there are definite disadvantages to this house/location (also tons of advantages too). We'll keep talking and praying about it. I never know what the right thing to do is! Aeson's been his usual self! He set off the hold up alarm at Eric's work this week, so two cops ended up showing up! He also used an ice cream sandwich to draw on his bedroom walls. Oh, and squirted makeup all over my grandma's floor and comforter! It's not that he's trying to be bad.. His mind just moves a million miles a minute and he's so curios about everything!

Mother's Day 2012

I had a wonderful Mother's Day this year! I think it was my favorite so far!

We all slept in, after celebrating Eric's 30th birthday the night before. I woke up to Eric making all of us breakfast! After eating and spending a lazy morning inside, we went to lunch with Eric's parents and his brother's family. It was a good time, and we got his mom a couple of gifts, in hopes of showing how VERY much we appreciate her. After lunch, we got movies and I even got a little nap! Eric's always very helpful with the kids, but he was even more so. We all went out to play after that, and it was a wonderful day to just sit outside. I LOVE our backyard, now that we got our landscaping done! My sister and her family came over for dinner (leftovers from the night before) & our mom stopped by briefly. We headed to Grandma's after that to spend some time with her, and then came home and went on a nice walk. The boys were tired once we got home, so they headed to bed, while we got things ready for Monday & then ended the night watching New Year's Eve together.

It really was a great day! I was glad to see everyone we got to see & even more glad that I got to spend the whole day with my family! Mothers definitely do a lot, and we definitely have a lot of things to be thankful to them for.. but I'm thankful for my kids, every single day. They made me a mom and have made me the person I am today. I'm thankful for THEM! (And my helpful and thoughtful husband.. I couldn't be half the mom I am if it weren't for him)

Things I want to remember!

Things that I want to remember...

As frustrating as it has been and even though words like boot camp and Super Nanny have come out, I want to remember (if not only to remind him when he has kids! lol) all the things Aeson has been up to the last couple of weeks. He's shut off my crockpot while dinner was cooking in it (I wasn't sure when or how long it was off!), took his pullup off and peed all over my comforter (after just washing it the day before!), he's colored on our floor and table with permanent marker (it was put up.. but then he found Grandma & Grandpa's and colored on their countertop!), hit his brother in the face with a toy golf club, colored on his wall (thank GOODNESS for Magic Erasers!), put tons of toilet paper (even two rolls once) in our toilet and Grandma & Grandpa's-- which he then proceeded to get out and throw away!, deliberately pour his juice on the floor, dump cereal and crackers on the floor and smash them all up with his feet, he tears all of his brother's important drawings up and off the walls where Westen has decorated with, tore the chore chart in half (after coloring all over it), the list goes on and on! I'm honestly not sure what's normal two year old, little brother behavior and what's indicative of future problematic behavior! If he's looking for more attention, it's even more difficult to give it to him because I'm then busier cleaning up all his messes! I can remember a couple of things Westen did (like climbing all the way in the toilet and dumping a shake all over himself and his car seat), but nothing ever like this. I'm not exactly sure what to do with him. His mind is busy, busy, busy!

On the other hand, he can be really super sweet. I love all of his sayings. The other day, Bentley got here and he said, "Hi Bentley! Did you get a hair cut?" It was so cute that he'd noticed! He really plays well with other kids.. he discusses sharing and taking turns with them, and you can tell he enjoys it. He's also super sweet to his sissy - has never done one bad thing to her, and the only bad thing he's said was that she's not cute when she cries! He always wants to see her, always gives her kisses and hugs, and is so concerned someone is going to take her or we're going to forget her!

For Aubryn, things I want to remember about this time.. All her rolls! How she sleeps for hours at a time in her carseat or swing, how she really never cries (she never has when being put in her car seat or going for walks or when put down at all.. so unlike Acey was!), how different she nurses (she gets the job done versus the boys who wanted to hang out all day nursing!, how she studies my face, and how she never really went through a newborn stage (she never cried constantly, couldn't focus, crossed her eyes, etc), and how much she loves outdoors.

Westen.. How the first thing he does when he gets home is sit down to draw! (and will spend hours doing so), how he throws every paper away after he makes even the slightest error, how he thinks he met the REAL Spiderman at school the other day, that church days are his favorite at school, how hot days are too much for him & he's for sure going to be my pickiest eater I'm sure!, how sensitive and caring he is, how much he interrupts me while doing homework to discuss Mario, and how much he can make Aeson & Bentley CRAZY!

As trying as this time in my life is, I know I will miss this!

Stresssssed

I don't like being an adult!

Actually, I do like it; I just don't like all the responsibility that comes with it.

I got sick this weekend - the most sick I've been in a long time. After lying in bed with Aubryn all day (and the boys destroying the house.. Eric was at work) and feeling almost delirious from my fever (I couldn't stay awake, couldn't concentrate, and was alternating between feeling like I was in a frozen body of water and burning from a fire), Eric was THANKFULLY able to come home while I ran to convenient care. I had a fever of 103 & my strep test came back positive. Eric had to go back to work right when I got home, so I was forced to get all the kids out (I didn't even trust myself driving really!) to go get my medicine fifteen minutes later. It's rough being a mom and being sick.

The medicine kicked in fairly quickly, but I really think this all came about from being too stressed and not taking care of myself. Eric's been working over 50 hours a week.. Last week, he was there two hours later than he was supposed to be not once, or twice, but THREE times. It makes it hard to plan, hard to count on him, and leaves a lot up to me. I'm having trouble finding the time or concentrating on my classes. I'm still doing well, but I'll be glad when the semester's over.

I'm mostly stressing about school in the fall, though. If things are the way they currently are, there's no way we can do it. Nursing school is extremely hard, and we keep hearing horror stories everywhere we go. The dad has to take up a lot of the responsibility and with Eric working as much as he is, I just don't see how that's going to be possible. I hear other students talking about how they were up all night studying and working, and that worries me. I'm going to breastfeed Aubryn as long as I possibly can, and there's no question about that. I'm worried about how it all will work. I want to do it, and I keep telling myself it's only four semesters, BUT I just cannot let it interfere so much that I'm not able to nurse her or have time with my family. Not to mention babysitting.. I'm so much more protective of Aubryn because she's a girl.. and Aeson hasn't been to daycare since he was four months old & does  not want to go. I absolutely do not want them in daycare, but I don't think we can get around it. Eric's boss has said he could have two weekdays off, but then when will I do my homework if he's gone the rest of the week?? It's pretty much impossible to get much done with three kids - Right now, I do it all on Eric's days off. Then Eric's mom has said she would help occasionally, but that still leave 1-2 days a week we don't have anyone.. and she lives out of town, so weather could always affect that. I'm also worried about what happens when one of my babies is sick.. I know they would want to be with their momma, and it would break my heart not to be with them.

I'm going to do it someday, no matter what. I'm still hoping and planning to start in the fall, but if I can't, I can't. I can always get a nighttime job or something opposite of Eric and go back to school when they're all in school. It would mean re-taking a lot of these classes and possibly not having a mentor for my master's degree, but if I don't have a choice, that will have to be what I do.

I'm trying not to stress.. It's just hard figuring it all out. It seems impossible right now.

Crazy Life!

Life is CRAZY with three kids! Some updates...

Aubryn was 12lbs,6.5oz and 24 inches at her 1 month checkup (98th and 96th percentiles, I think it was!).

Aeson loves giving her cuddles, he says "she's so cute" just as often as Westen now, and he's always so worried that someone is going to take her!

Aeson's been quite the handful lately, creating messes everywhere. He makes life significantly more busy! He's so darling when he tells me he loves me or that I'm the best.. or, my favorite, when he says "Happy Birthday!" I think he thinks it's something similar to "I love you." :)

Westen's a huge help and still drawing all the time. He's been very interested in Jesus lately. I love that he knew and understood (as much as a 6 year old can) what Easter was really about this year. Kids make holidays so much more enjoyable and meaningful.

Aubryn's been smiling over the last couple of weeks, almost solely at me. I have captured a couple on camera. Daddy has yet to get one! She's been awake more and growing like crazy. We've moved up to size 2 diapers and she's almost ready for 3-6 month clothes! I absolutely love having a baby girl.

I had my 6 week checkup today & all looks good. I have 6 more pounds to lose. The good news is I can start exercising now!

Classes are going.. It's hard to find the time for homework, but I do. Less than 4 weeks left! Speaking of, I got into both Spoon & WIU's nursing programs. I had a hard time deciding but gathered all the information I could and decided on WIU. I'm excited but also nervous. I hope I don't miss out on too much with my babies.

First day back to normal & since then

Well, that first day back to school and work didn't go so well! Looking back now, I realize I just put too much stuff on my plate! I went to class.. didn't do well on the test. I'm not meaning to boast, but I always do well in school. I study hard & know my stuff. Well, there was ONE thing I wasn't sure about & hadn't studied well (probably from missing class) and OF COURSE that one thing ended up being like 30 points of matching things. I cried when I left! I was so upset that I even left the baby, that I even took the test when she said I didn't have to.. all of that just for a bad grade! It's really not THAT bad, because we do get to drop one test, so I'm sure this will be the one I use! We also usually get to correct them for half the points. Anyway, Aubryn was getting fussy when I got home, which worried me since that was a short day! Aubryn also went through MANY outfits that day, something she never does! We then headed out to get pictures taken that evening, and I got lost on the way! An hour later, I finally got there. They did all the pics diaper-less, which meant many messes on their stuff! (and me constantly wiping her!) I also kept trying to feed her to get her to go to sleep, but she never would! (She was ALWAYS sleeping at this point in time) I got home much later than planned, and I was beyond exhausted at that point.

Since then, things have been much better! I went to class again that week, and Aubryn stayed asleep the entire time, plus over an hour once I got home. Then we had Spring Break, so I don't go back until this Monday.

We had my two week checkup this past Monday. I'd lost another 4 pounds, leaving me at 10 left. I think those will be the hardest!! Everything looked great, and they weighed Aubryn too. She was just shy of 11 lbs!!! I couldn't believe it. I was guessing 10. I've already had to put away her newborn clothing and move up to size 1 diapers. I talked to my midwife about the schools she went to, as that is my ultimate goal. She didn't start school until she was 35, so stories like that always give me hope! I already feel so old! She also said that she would love to be my mentor if I do become a midwife.. I just have to do it within the next 9 years, because she's retiring then! I was so happy she offered to do this! I can't think of someone better to work with/learn from. I started looking into schools when I got home, and it was all pretty confusing. Each one requires different things, and some of the things are long processes. We'll see!

Aubryn is still a wonderful baby. I think everyone in our families is in love with her! Westen continues to come in and see her every morning when he wakes up, and he still says "she's so cute!" every single day! Aeson also says she's cute or beautiful, and he pats her or gives her hugs. One day last week, he did try to pick her up from the Boppy she was lying in! I was checking to see how clean their room was, and I came back out to him trying to hold her! Thank goodness she didn't fall or anything! I definitely learned that I can't leave them alone for even a second! Aeson just kept saying "but I want to hold her!" :) Sweet boy.

Aeson also had a big first this week - He stayed all night with Eric's parents, along with Westen. Westen had already planned to go, and I got to thinking that I really thought Aeson was old enough too and would start feeling left out. He loves to go places too, because he's always at home! So, we asked him & he wanted to go! They were okay with trying it too, so they picked both of them up in the afternoon. Aeson went just fine, and slept all night that night. They said he did great!

Our First Week Home

Don't have time for an in-depth update, but here are the highlights from our first week at home with baby girl:

Took Aubryn for her first appointment with the pediatrician on Monday. She had been 7lbs, 10oz when we left the hospital and was already up to 8lbs, 3 oz at her appointment! (She was 8lbs, 5oz at birth) Her color has remained great & no signs of jaundice. I credit that to the delayed cord clamping, especially since both my boys had it!

Aubryn has continued to sleep a lot & only cry when she's undressed! I usually can get her fed before she begins crying but sometimes she will if I have to change her diaper first! She continues to be a GREAT baby.. part of that too, though, I think is that Eric & I are more confident in our parenting choices & we know what works for us!

We took all three kids to the movie The Lorax. It was Aeson's first theater movie! They all did great. Westen and Aeson both loved it, Aeson sat through all but the last 15 minutes (and then he just stood in front of his seat & sat on the aisle step next to us), and Aubryn slept through it all (cuddled up to me in the Moby :)).

Aeson finally held Aubryn a couple days after we got home. He's held her a couple of times since, and he often pats her or kisses her and says "she's so nice!" So far, no signs of jealousy or any change of behavior!

Holy hormones! I have been so teary just randomly this week! I've cried because I love her so much, because she turned out so perfect, because I don't want to go back to school, even because she was asleep in the swing & I wished I was holding her.

I had my first postpartum visit at a week after. The doctor took my staples out & put steri-strips on, while also giving me another steroid injection to stop it from keloiding. I found out that he used a thing called an Alexis-O during surgery.. They used to use them on obese patients and then found that people were healing much faster and in much less pain, so they've started using them on regular people. That must be one reason I've felt so great! Beyond that first day, I really haven't been in much pain at all, and I was down to taking 1 dose of pain meds but just a few days after (have now taken none for the last few days). I kept thinking "I can't believe I had surgery two days ago," "I can't believe I had surgery 1 week ago," etc.. I definitely recommend asking about this if any of my readers have to have a c-section! I also talked to him about multiple c-sections. While we don't want to have any more children for a long time (not until I'm done with school and working at the LEAST) and we may not want any more (especially financially and due to all the worry that goes along with it), I do have to admit one of the things I felt worst about with choosing to have this c-section was the fact that each one means more risks with future pregnancies. He said the risk is really just the scar rupturing and with each scar, you have a 2% increase in that happening. It will definitely be something we'll have to think long & hard about when the time comes. He did say my first scar looked "good and this one looks better." He ended up doing three layers of stitching (they sometimes do one & always do two if the person may have a future pregnancy). I had also lost 20 pounds at that appointment, which means 14 more to go!

We also took goody baskets filled with candy, chocolate, popcorn, and trail mix to the doctor, the surgery staff, and our OB nurses, along with thank you cards.

Eric goes back to work tomorrow, and I go back to school. Crossing my fingers all goes well!

Aubryn's Birth Story

Thursday, we were so, so busy running around trying to get everything ready for the birth and the days after. That night, I slept well until 1:30 a.m. but then woke up to go to the bathroom and couldn't get back to sleep after that. I got on the computer and finally started getting ready, since we were getting up at 3:30 a.m. anyway. The boys had a sleepover in our room that night, sleeping on lots of blankets on our floor, and they both woke up while we were getting things ready so we moved them up in our bed. Mom got here at 4:15 and we gathered all our stuff and left for Carthage. I drove, because Eric driving makes me too nervous! I swear, he's about gotten us in accidents the last several times he drove! I was already nervous anyway and it was sleeting/snowing (which makes me more nervous :)), so we took our time and got there just after 5 a.m. My eyes filled with tears before we got out of the van, because I was really pretty scared. I didn't want to go in but knew I had to.

Someone in ER checked us in, and I studied the board with all the names of who was on call for surgery, cardio, anesthesia, etc, knowing those would be the people we soon saw. We were walked to OB next and taken to our room. It was HUGE! The hospital is new and everything is so modern and beautifully decorated. Our room had so much room, a kitchen area (with fridge, microwave, and sink), and a huge bathroom with a shower/whirlpool bath. I changed into my gown and laid down to get monitored. Our nurse came on at 5:30 a.m. and we ended up having the same two nurses (an RN for me, named Katy & an LPN for the baby, named Ashley) each day we were there - from 5:30 a.m. to 6 p.m. They were AMAZING. The only problem we had was my IV - She was unable to get it after two sticks, so she had a nurse from surgery come (who was equally as amazing) & she got it right away.

We were disappointed to realize we got no cell phone service there. We could pick up wi-fi to get on facebook and the internet but couldn't call or text anyone, nor could we receive them. The phone in the room could only call locally too, but they did give us the number & Eric soon got that to everyone so they could call us. Our doula got there and my dad not long after. The anesthesiologist came in (Mike) and explained everything he was going to do, what I was going to feel, and all that I could expect when I went back to surgery. He was incredibly nice and showed me how to do everything, even getting down & sitting on the floor! He discussed the risks, which scared me more than anything, but I knew he had to. The doctor came in during all of this too and prayed for us before heading out. That definitely made me feel more calm, but I still felt like I just wanted to go home at this point.

The in-between is a blur. I'm sure I was probably too scared to remember anything! I think they wheeled me to surgery, leaving my dad in the waiting room and Eric right outside of surgery. As soon as we passed through the doors and I saw the operating room, I started crying. I was just so overwhelmed and scared.. so many thoughts and feelings going through me. Everyone was completely amazing, though, comforting me, holding/rubbing my hand, saying all sorts of positive things. I seriously cannot say enough good things about the staff there. I couldn't IMAGINE any better, and I seriously wouldn't believe it if someone said anywhere else in the WORLD was better than there.

I sat on the table, just like Mike had told me to, and he began to feel my back. The spinal went very well. I was shaking throughout all of it, just from fear. He told me afterwards he was "like oh no" when he first saw my back because of my scoliosis, but once he felt it, he knew it would be fine. I laid down then and started feeling warm and tingly. My fears went away then.. I think that was what I'd been most scared of and now that it was over and working, I felt calm again. They prepped me and then brought Eric in. Now he was the one incredibly nervous! He kept asking me if I was okay. My blood pressure dropped just once, to the point of feeling a little weird, but Mike quickly gave me something to boost it & I was back to feeling normal.

The c-section seemed to take forever. I was extremely glad the doctor was taking his time and doing things carefully, but at the same time, I just wanted it over. They told us she had lots of long hair and told Eric to get his camera ready. She also HAD turned head down, which I was incredibly thankful for. I'd gone to the chiro the day before and done lots of praying that she'd turn in some way that would make it easier. They still had to do lots of pushing and pulling and after a couple of tries ended up using the vacuum to get her out. She immediately started screaming her little head off and continued to. Eric and I both started crying. It was so beautiful to hear after hearing only one little cry when Aeson came out.

Aubryn was taken over to be checked out and Eric went with her. He got to cut the cord there (they did do delayed cord clamping, even with the c-section). He took tons of pictures and the doctor joked that she already had a facebook page. Eric showed me all the pictures and they brought her over to me. Mike (who had been incredibly comforting the whole time, telling me I was in the top 5% of patients he'd had-- to which Lila, our midwife, added that I'd been one of her favorites too :)) even said something about getting the baby right up next to me for skin to skin, and got us in position for a couple of photos. Eric and the baby then went to our room, while they finished me up. I was taken to recovery, where Eric got to visit me, then our doula, and finally the baby was brought in for more skin to skin. She'd gotten some with daddy as well & had tried to nurse on him! I really wasn't there long & as soon as I got to my room, the nurses got Aubryn latched on to nurse. She took to it like a complete pro!

Aubryn was born at 7:38 a.m. and she weighed 8 lbs, 5 oz and was 21 inches long. She was completely perfect in every way.

Dad left after seeing both of us. Niki, Hodge & Jalane, and Mom visited us while in the hospital.

Westen & Aeson got to meet her that afternoon. Aeson didn't (and hasn't) really paid attention to her at all. He's given her a couple of kisses but isn't interested in holding her. He smiles if you pretend she's talking to him or kissing him, and he smiled when he saw her nursing. (I wasn't sure what he'd think of that!) Westen is extremely proud of her and completely in love! I think he's said "she's so cute!" a million times! He wanted to hold her constantly, and he comforts her when she cries.

She really has been an excellent baby so far. She slept a lot the first night. The second night, she wanted held more. She really only cries when she's naked and fusses when she's hungry. We're just in love with her! I wish time could stand still. I know it goes by way too quickly when they're this little.

The first night, they had me up to walk and I started crying it hurt so bad. I couldn't even take a step. They gave me more pain medicine and I tried after a while longer and then was able to walk down the hall and back. That night I could just tell I felt so much better and by the time I woke up, I really felt pretty good. I was up to walk that morning and then really up ever since then. Everyone said how great I was doing, and I was really amazed too. I really haven't had much pain at all. Nothing at ALL like the first c-section. I still take it easy, of course, and am not up for long periods of time, but there's just none of the stinging and horrible pain like there was last time. Even the ride home was perfectly fine! We left after 48 hours there and have been doing well at home since.

Aubryn had her first doctor's appointment today, and she was up to 8lbs, 3 oz. She'd been 7lbs, 10 oz when we left the hospital. Everything is really going perfectly, and I just wish I could stay in this moment forever!

February 24

What a week!

Monday, we had our doctor's appointment. Everything looked good, and the doctor was fine with no induction.. however, I was still only 1 cm, 50% thinned, and he couldn't feel the baby's head. I asked him about the foley balloon and stripping membranes to induce labor, and he said he "moved" my membranes that day and that he didn't think he could get the foley balloon through the opening in the cervix at this point. He said he was unsure I would be having her vaginally the way things looked, and he didn't expect me to go into labor on my own in the next two weeks. He had me make my appointment for next week with his partner, because he was going to be gone.

I had known a friend who worked at this hospital and remembered her telling me NOT to go to his partner, so I quickly got ahold of her and found out more details. Afterwards, neither Eric nor I felt comfortable going into labor with this person as the doctor. At ALL. I hoped that I would just go within the week, before my doctor left.

The next morning, I called the office to see when he was going to be gone exactly and found out that that was his last day for TWO weeks! I would be 41 weeks by the time he returned. I was so, so upset. I cried at having to be in this situation, at not trusting the doctor (especially in a serious situation if something would happen), and mostly at feeling like I had to give up on the VBAC that I wanted. I had not wanted another c-section at all, and I had done so much praying, talking to my body and the baby, and just plain wishing and hoping that things would happen so I didn't have to.

After crying and talking to my family, I called our midwife we had previously to see what I should do about transferring back there. They called back to say the doctor she works with is on vacation until Tuesday, and they wanted me to see the other doctor because they'd want to deliver before then. This was upsetting as well, because we had already met (and liked) the one doctor and had not met the other. My sister was also put on strict bedrest that day, and I worried these two things were maybe signs that we shouldn't proceed with the c-section.. that I should just wait it out (and therefore be available to my sister). My midwife actually called that evening, and it was a relief to talk to her. She was disappointed for me and felt the system was failing me, but she was also happy to have us back and said that she definitely trusts this doctor and thought we would like him even more than the other. I thought it was wonderful that she called me at 8:30 at night just to talk about this stuff, without me even calling her. I seriously love her and the hospital there more than I can say.

I felt more comfortable with our decision after grieving about it for that bit of time. I, and my family, felt there are signs showing us this is the right thing to happen. I met with the new doctor just yesterday and found even more. The baby is sideways and in the worst position for any delivery. Even with c-section, it's more difficult to pull her out because they'll be coming in at her back. However, this doctor had more of those deliveries during his residency than any others. Glucose also showed up in my urine for the first time, but he wasn't worried about it since we're delivering soon. He even made the comment that maybe it was a good thing my doctor left. I got the feeling that he too felt it was meant to be this way. I liked him very much and spent an hour with him! He even asked if he could pray for us before he left the room, which I have never had a doctor do.

I now feel 100% sure this is the way it is supposed to be. We chose tomorrow for the big day. Eric & I have to be there at 5 a.m., and the c-section is scheduled for 7 a.m. My midwife will be there, and my doula is going with us but probably won't be in on the delivery. They recently changed things and now allow the baby in recovery with me to nurse right away, so I am SO happy about that. I really haven't felt nervous or unsure about it at all since then. I'm ready, and ready to meet our baby. My only concerns are those that go with any surgery.. I just hope and pray that things go well and that there are no problems with me or her.

So that's the plan! We'll be a family of 5 at this time tomorrow! Any prayers would definitely be appreciated.

Valentine's, Induction Option

Valentine's Day was earlier this week. Eric had to work open to close, so I mostly spent it with the kids! With everything going on, I kind of forgot about it until last minute, so we didn't do anything too elaborate. I cut toast into hearts for breakfast, and we made a heart-shaped homemade pizza together for dinner. Aeson & I did get to take lunch to Eric, and he gave me a dozen pretty roses when we met him. I really think Valentine's Day is mostly a waste of money, but it does make you think about those who are special to you too. Oh, and I got to hear "Happy Valentime's, Mommy" all day long. :)

I had my 38 week doctor's appointment on Wednesday, and I'm super glad Eric was able to go with me. I'd gained TWO pounds this week! I think I'm putting on weight faster now than I have the whole pregnancy! My blood pressure and all that were still good. I was still only dilated to a 1. The doctor said he was going to come back to talk to us, and I got nervous! When he came back, he said he has absolutely no problem doing VBAC's, but the hospital does because it costs them more money to call in surgery and have them there the whole time - when it happens after hours. So, he said THEY wanted him to ask if I would consider being induced, so it would happen during the day when they're already there and if so, they would do it on Tuesday at 6 a.m. He said not to decide then, but he wanted to see me on Monday and I could let him know then. He did also mention briefly concern about the baby getting bigger and why she's not dropping down (he really thought I would have her by now).. If she can't for some reason, we won't know that until we try to have her.

I was disappointed when we left.. I really didn't want to be faced with such a decision. Part of me thought it'd be great to just have her here, and it would make lots of things easier to plan if we knew when it was going to happen.. But, our midwife that we left only because the hospital refuses to allow VBAC's had always said one of the three big no-no's with VBAC's is induction. I also knew that the doctor my sister is going to (also hoping for a VBAC) will absolutely not induce VBAC's, and I've read countless studies that it increases your risk for rupture. I had brought this up to our doctor, but he said he doesn't believe it does. He has had 3 ruptures occur - One occurred before the woman got to the hospital.. He made it seem like she possibly wasn't even a patient of his & said she had not told anyone she was having contractions, etc. Anyway, she was pregnant with twins, one died, they worked hard to save her, and the other baby ended up dying 6 months later. The other two ruptures were small holes they caught in labor, though, and the moms and babies were fine. I didn't ask if they had been induced, but he did say he has regularly induced VBAC's.

Making the decision bothered me a lot that night. I didn't sleep well and kept imagining the worst. I was, and still am, afraid that if I refuse, I may not be able to have a VBAC at all & it's too late to find a different doctor now.. and also that c-section will be pushed for.

By the next day, I felt like there was no way I could do it. My body is showing no signs of labor yet. When I was given pitocin with Westen, I had had signs for weeks and my water had broken, so I feel like he and I were ready. I don't feel like that's the case with this pregnancy. There's varying studies about the increased chance of rupture, but my main reason for not is simply because I think it's better that my body go into labor on its own - both for me and for the baby.

I also called our midwife and left a message with the nurse. I wasn't sure if she would tell me her advice since I'm no longer a patient of hers, but she actually called me back herself just a couple of hours later & we ended up talking for like ten minutes! She said she would absolutely not, under any circumstances, induce a VBAC, especially at 39 weeks. She said a lot more, and I told her we trusted her opinion over anyone else's. I'd figured that's what she would say, but it was good to talk to her about it. Her recommendation was to go for a VBAC if I go into labor on my own, not induce, do a sonogram at 41 weeks to look at fluid and things if I make it that far, and then if everything still looks okay, not to do anything until 42 weeks, when they would do a repeat c-section if I still have not gone into labor.

So, that's what we're going with. That's what we feel comfortable with, and we will be telling him on Monday. I'm hoping he takes it well. It makes me so nervous! I just can't do something I don't feel comfortable doing, though. I trust my body, and my baby to come when she's ready. And if she doesn't, I think I will feel much more comfortable with the possibility of a repeat c-section at 41 weeks plus. Please cross your fingers the doctor is okay with this.. or more so, the hospital.

Since then, I've gotten actually kind of angry that they would even present this.. Why make things harder on me and the baby and force something just because it's more convenient for you? Or costs you less money? It's very frustrating. I'm so thankful to have Eric and my doula for support.

Also since then, I've tried just about everything to start labor! I was hoping if I went before Monday, I wouldn't have to make the decision or face him with it. I honestly didn't (and still don't) see that happening, though. When he said Tuesday, I felt like even then it just wasn't time yet. Anyway, I've tried pineapple (tons and tons of it!), onion rings (a local story), caffeine, walks, squats/duck walking, and evening primrose oil capsules. It does seem I've had more and a little stronger contractions than I was having, but that's about it.

I also remembered that I couldn't even remember my exact dates and my first doctor had wanted to move back the due date by a couple of days. I know it's not that much of a difference, but still I may not be quite as far along as I think I am. I keep reminding myself too that even though I went early with Westen, most people go right around their due date. And who knows how long I would have gone with Aeson.

So anyway, I'm feeling really pretty good, and I'm 100% sure about our plan.. I just hope the doctor allows that to be our plan.

False alarm!

I guess not feeling well wasn't a sign of anything! I've felt perfectly fine since Monday. I had my 37 week appointment on Wednesday and was still dilated to a 1. I was a little disappointed since I'd had so many regular contractions over the weekend and had felt so crappy. I was hoping she was on her way! Anyway, it gave me a chance to talk to the doctor about the internal monitoring. He does NOT require the thing that goes on/slightly into her head, only the thing that goes inside the uterine wall. He said I'll still be able to move around with it, and he was perfectly fine with waiting until my water broke on its own. I was so thankful for that!

I continue to be scared about birth.. actually more like terrified! I wake up every night thinking about it and really wish I could just feel at peace. The chances are SO low that anything would happen, but still SOMEONE has to be in those tiny percentages. Part of me never wants the birth to come, and part of me wants to get it over with so I can stop worrying about it!

***

Updates on the boys:

Aeson: I absolutely love his age right now! He gets so excited about everything! He jumps up and down when he's really excited or really angry. He repeats questions about things that are really important to him, like saying "Can we? Can we?" or "Please, please, please!" His latest phrase that he likes saying is "Not fair!" He is absolutely amazing at video games too, which I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing! You would never believe it was a 2 year old playing. He also had his sonogram and bloodwork done this past week. We talked about it before, and he kept saying "noooo" - that he didn't want to go & didn't want it done. We took the DS, and I suppose it helped with the sono somewhat. He did okay for that, but he cried when they took his blood. It breaks my heart! Even as we were walking in, he said he was scared. :( He's definitely able to remember it all and vocalize his feelings about it now.. I don't want him to grow up, but I can't wait until he can understand that it's for a good reason.

Westen: Westen lost his first tooth this week!! He was so excited to show us when we picked him up from school. He said he was eating a carrot when it came out, and he hadn't even felt it! I really can't believe how old he's getting.. I look at him and think he's going to be 13 before I realize it! We picked out his valentine's for school yesterday (he chose ones that fold into paper airplanes!). We'll be getting those ready & doing more cleaning and organizing this weekend, since Daddy works all weekend!

Pre-labor?

Two days from being 37 weeks!

I've been feeling very crappy (for lack of a better word!) since Saturday. Very, very crampy. My back hurts really bad, and I feel nauseous off and on. Saturday evening, I had regular contractions (mostly about every 4-5 minutes.. some as few as 2 min's apart and some as far as 7 min's apart) for a couple of hours. They never got worse, though, so I went to bed and figured I'd wake up if they got worse. I did actually wake up several times that night, but I'm not sure why. The morning was okay yesterday but by afternoon, the cramps had started again. We went to my sister's for the Superbowl and by the time we left there, I was really feeling pretty good and normal again. Slept well last night with no problems. This morning once I was up doing things, it started again. I haven't had any other symptoms that indicate she's coming soon, but I honestly can't imagine feeling like this for too long! I talked to my doula, and she thinks I'm in in pre-labor. I remember feeling crampy each evening for just a few days before Westen came, but I don't remember it being this bad. Maybe I've just forgotten! Either way, I don't think labor is too far off.. We'll see, though. From what I've read, pre-labor can last days or even weeks. Eric's been wonderful about doing things for me when I really don't feel well and rubbing my back. I still can't stop myself from doing things around the house, though. Nesting is the weirdest thing! I've been cleaning things I NEVER clean.. It's just so weird how such random things can pop into your head- and it will continue to bother me until I do it! All of this going on has made it pretty difficult to focus on school! My next appointment is on Wednesday afternoon, so we'll see what I find out then.

I wanted to make note (if I haven't already) of one of my favorite phrases of Aeson's right now.. Multiple times a day, he'll give me a hug or rest his head on me and say "You're the best ever." He's also spoken to my tummy a couple of times saying "You're the best ever too, Aubryn." He's such a sweetheart.

36 weeks

This past Wednesday, I had my 36 week appointment. I'd gained almost 2 pounds, so at the next appointment, I should be right around 30 for the whole pregnancy. (If I make it to the next one ;)) My blood pressure remained awesome, which I have been SO thankful for. I'm so, so, so glad we haven't had to deal with any of the stuff we did with Aeson's pregnancy! I had him at exactly 36 weeks and I remember feeling very ready.. With this one, I still feel great! Anyway, the doctor checked me and I was dilated to a 1! He said I'd thinned out a lot too. I was really surprised. I have had a LOT of Braxton Hicks contractions, but I'd read they didn't really do anything except help you thin out. I also wasn't a 1 until 38 weeks with Westen and was still a 1 when my water broke and I went to the hospital. So, I think that's a good sign! The doctor said he thinks I'll have her within the next 2 weeks. If it's before next Wednesday (37 weeks), they will try to stop it, though. After that, they won't. I'm really hoping she makes it to then, because I don't want to deal with trying to stop it! He was guessing her at 7lbs right now. They did a quick sono, and she measured on there to be about 6lbs, 7oz. We could see her little pug nose (I think she looks like Aeson haha.. Eric didn't think you could tell!), and they still didn't see any boy parts! :) She was head down too (which I'd known she had been for the last few days-- I'd gone to the chiro the Thursday before and my sacrum was completely out of place, so once he popped that in, I did my inversion thing that night & have been sitting on the exercise ball each night & she moved right down!), so I'm thinking that's a good sign too!

We got to finally talk to the doctor in depth after that about our birth plan. I was so nervous about it before, because you never know how people (especially doctors) are going to take things that are outside the 'norm.' He was completely fine with everything, though! He's very relaxed and laid back. It's really nice to be going to someone who seems to really care about the patients, not himself, and doesn't try to impose any ideas on you. We really like him. We also found out that he came from the biggest hospital in the US (one in California) & they had a less than 5% c-section rate! (compared to around 25% at most hospitals..) He's done tons of VBAC's & agrees it is the better option than repeat c-section. He does require internal monitoring during labor, because he said if the uterus gets any little hole or tear, air will blow through that with the contractions and will show up abnormally. I didn't know too much about it, so I didn't ask any questions, but it seemed to make sense.

When I got home, I talked to my doula to update her and talk about if they do have to stop labor and the internal monitor and all those things. I'm so glad I have her! I also asked online about the internal monitor, asking for experiences, and rather than getting experiences, everyone wanted to give their opinions! It has stressed me out since! I have some questions for the doc if I make it to the next appointment, but I do trust him, and I do believe he would do what's in me and baby's best interest- not his own.

Hearing that she will most likely come in the next 2 weeks has made me rush around to get things done! My brain's been pretty crazy since then! I've been cleaning non-stop, getting things ready for the hospital, trying to get ahead on my homework, etc. It's been a little stressful, especially since Eric's working almost 60 hours this week. I'm getting more scared of labor but just hoping things go well for both of us. I've been feeling crampy the last couple of days, which I remember feeling in the days before having Westen. You never know, though - doctors are wrong sometimes, so who knows if it will really happen before 38 weeks! Westen has mentioned things a couple of times about thinking that I'll have her on the 6th or 7th. He's never changed it, so we'll see! I honestly feel like it will be between then and 38 weeks. It's a weird feeling knowing I could go into labor at any time. I have had a LOT of braxton hicks with this pregnancy, so already with those I've wondered when they're going to turn into real contractions and not stop. They've been getting a little stronger and more uncomfortable the past few days as well. I have everyone notified to keep their phones on, so we can get help with the kids when it does happen!

Alright, I better get back to my chemistry! Not much else to update on!

34 week appt, Last semester of pre-req's

Last week, I had my 34 week appointment. I hadn't gained any weight since I was there two weeks before! I was still at 26 lbs total for 34 weeks. They did my group B test, and they called me later with the results. It was negative, which means no antibiotics during labor! I'm still hoping for no IV (just a hep lock), so I can move around. I'm not sure if they'll let me or not, but this definitely helps! They also tested my blood for iron and things like that, and I haven't heard about that yet. I assume he'll talk to me about it at my next appointment if I don't hear anything before then. I go next week (at exactly 36 weeks) and then weekly from there! I can't believe it. She's still flipping all the time.. mostly just from my left side to head down and back. She actually hasn't been head down that I've known for most of this week. I really wish she would get into position! I also wonder what it is about me or my uterus that babies don't want to be head down- or at least not until the very end.

I also started classes a couple of weeks go. My chemistry class online was overwhelming at first. It takes a lot of time! Luckily I've devoted lots to it and I was already on week 3 while everyone else was on week 1. We can work at our own pace, so that's really nice. I'm hoping to get as much done as I can before the baby, so I can take a little break! I also started the second semester of A&P this past week, and I couldn't be happier with it. I switched teachers from last semester, and I just know it's going to make a world of difference! We don't even NEED our book at ALL (versus hours of looking over it, figuring out answers, etc), everything we need is on powerpoints the teacher has prepared ahead of time (versus going over a few select points during class & never having enough time) and study guides we get before the test, we can miss 5 classes with no penalty, our lowest test is dropped (or we don't even have to take one of them.. which is nice if one happens to fall when I'm having baby or in the hospital), we play an extra credit game before every test, and there are less labs and chapters this semester. It will work so much better with having the baby!

I'm getting all my application materials ready to send in for nursing school. I took the TEAS test and thankfully scored well above the needed score. I'd heard how hard it was and how the majority of people don't pass, so I was pretty nervous about it! Also took CPR again yesterday (I'd lost my old card, and it may have been expired anyway). I have my physical this week, so I should be able to get everything in by February 1st (hopefully!), so I can be in the first round of applicants decided upon.

Kid updates

Aeson has had some adorable things to say lately that I wanted to make sure to document! My favorite phrase of his right now is "tastes like licious!" He says this whenever he tastes something yummy, and I love how he just shortens it to "licious!" He also has continued telling Aubryn EVERY day that he misses her. In fact, the day before yesterday, he said "I miss you berry much, Aubryn." He also talks about how she can hear him and he can hear her too. I asked what she said yesterday, and he said "She loves me too!" We've been doing lots of talking about her coming out from my belly, coming home with us, and what it will be like. He seems to understand, and he seems to adore her already. :) I've also been fairly addicted to watching A Baby Story lately, and he watches it with me sometimes!

We also got my adorable baby boy's hair cut this week. We've only had it cut once before, and we didn't like it. We loved feeling his long-ish hair, but we were also sick of people not knowing if he was a boy or girl. I still haven't decided if I like it short, but maybe I'm just not used to it yet. He looks so much older with it too! It about made me cry seeing him no longer look like my baby!

Last week was pretty crazy with visiting the other schools in town. Westen didn't like the cheaper private school option we were hoping for, and we found it a little odd as well. He ended up LOVING the expensive one we sent him to for preschool. We honestly did too. The principal, the teachers, the secretary even.. Everyone there is just amazing. I loved the kindergarten room too. They don't do state testing, so there's not as much emphasis on desk/paper work. In fact, I'm not even sure if they had desks in there. We decided to try it out on Friday, and he's gone ever since. He has loved it too, and that's such a relief. He says how quickly it goes by ("It's like 10 minutes!!") and how good his days are ("gooder than good!"). They have a buddy system, so he has a buddy in 6th grade, and he likes that a lot. We just really couldn't be happier. Financially, it's going to be super hard. My mom just sold her house, so she's helping us out for the rest of this year, and then we're planning on saving tax return money and limiting things even more than we do. We really don't have another option. I got to the point where I just couldn't send him back to the public school. I'm very thankful to have another option and so thankful he's enjoying it.

I'm currently 34 1/2 weeks pregnant! Not much longer! I don't feel ready at ALL, and it freaks me out a little to think about the birth and bringing a third baby home! We finally got our first pack of disposable diapers and some wipes the other day. We still have a list of things we need to get, and we have yet to get started on the room! I'm honestly not sure if it will get done before she comes home or not! She won't be using it anyway, other than for changing and getting dressed, and we do have her changing table all set up. We also washed all the clothes and got them put away yesterday. I so wonder when she will decide to come!

School Issues

My poor Westen has had a rough start to his school career, and I am left with a very bad impression of our public schools. I'm not sure if I've written about it before or not (I'm guessing I have), but he has had several instances of kids being mean to him, even physically. Somehow there are never any teachers that intervene. It tends to happen at recess or lunch. Last week, he had several things happen to him in one day and then every day since then, he's come home with another story of kids being mean to him. He looks so broken down when he talks about it (frequently saying he doesn't want to talk about it at first), and it is SO hard on this momma! I was bullied for less than one year of school while I was in school, and it STILL affects me to this day. So when he talks about this, it just brings up all those feelings, and I would never, ever, ever want anyone to feel like that, especially my child. It has been so hard to continue to send him to school, not knowing what the other kids are going to say or do to him. I worry about him all day, and brace myself for what he's going to tell me when I pick him up. The first time I e-mailed his teacher right away, who forwarded it on to the principal, and I was called the next day. She explained that they had a lot of students who didn't go to preschool and didn't know how to play with other children, so they were looking at having a different recess period for those children if they could identify them. This time, I again e-mailed his teacher right away, and I still have not received an e-mail OR a phone call from anyone. (This happened last Wednesday, by the way) I'm just very unhappy with all of it.

Eric is too. We discussed what our options are. At first, I wished I could homeschool him, but I'm just not sure that's 'right' for us. I'm not disciplined enough, I'd like for him to be around other children more, and frankly, I just don't have the time. There are two other schools in town associated with churches. One is the one he attended for preschool, which he and we loved. He still plays with the kids from there, so I'm sure it would be an easy transition BUT there is just no way we can afford it. No possible way. The other option is half the price, so while things would definitely be even more tight, it would be possible. So far we've only heard good things, and we're going to visit on Wednesday. The principal offered for tomorrow when I called today, but we have a doctor's appointment. I'm anxious to go see! We'll find out more about the school and Westen will be able to sit in the class for a half hour or so to see what he thinks as well. I thought that was great, and the principal seemed really nice. I'm HOPING this is what we're looking for.

As problems have come up, I've talked to Westen about going to another school and he'd always been hesitant. He'd say sometimes people are nice to him, so he'd like to stay where he's at. By the end of last week, though, he said he "thinks it's time." :( He's very open to seeing the other school. Pray for us that things work out how they should!

***

I continue to feel SO guilty that I'm attending school. I know that it's for the best - I love that my children don't have to go to daycare and that I will be working (and making good money) in just a couple of years, but in the meantime, it's hard not to feel guilty when we struggle so much-- and when things like this come up, where we could pay for a better school if only I were working. I rely on my sister for babysitting too, and if she's unable, the only other person we possibly have is Eric's mom who doesn't live in town. My sister has had blood pressure problems in the past during pregnancy, and I'm becoming worried that I may not have a sitter for class. Not only that, but I am absolutely DREADING leaving Aeson and Aubryn in daycare in the fall if I get into nursing school. That's the main reason I'm considering a community college for my RN (versus the university, where I'd get my BSN) - It would be less classes and less time to find a babysitter for. Plus, once again, the money issue comes up. Sometimes, it just feels like you're doing the wrong thing even when you're completely trying to do what's best.

***

We have our final appointment with our midwife tomorrow, along with a sonogram. I'm excited to see how big our baby is, to make sure she's still a girl (haha!), and to see that everything looks well. Also to see what position she's in! I'm not sure anymore, because she's really taking up all of my stomach these days! The hiccups were low for a couple of days in a row, though, so *hopefully* she's head down. I'll be 33 weeks on Wednesday, and things are definitely getting harder. I feel odd after I pick Aeson up or bring laundry up from downstairs now. It's, of course, getting even more difficult to get down on the floor to pick up or clean things. Getting out of bed is definitely a chore! I also have heartburn most days. It's all definitely worth it, though! I'm not quite ready for her to come either! While I want to see her and all of this stuff isn't the most fun, I'm definitely going to miss her moving around in my belly AND I'm not quite ready for the sleep deprivation that I know will come along with her!

Aeson's been giving my belly kisses multiple times a day, saying "I miss you, Aubryn!" It's quite cute. :) He also hasn't nursed in months but all of a sudden wants to again! It's so strange! I feel bad that he wants the comfort, but so far he doesn't throw any fits about it - he just mentions it several times a day!

Well, the kids want to play computer games, so better let them at it!

Found a doctor!

In the way that blogging usually does, I felt much, much better after writing the other day about my stresses. I realized that although we may not have everything we WANT, we have everything we NEED. I might just have to carry the baby around more, but we'll manage. We could also get all of this stuff if we had credit cards, but we DON'T and for that I'm thankful!

Last night, someone ended up getting in touch with me on facebook about a swing someone had for sale. I contacted the person, and it's supposed to be a cheaper version of the Mamaroo (the swing I really want!). It's in great condition, and she's only selling it because her daughter doesn't like it. We figured at the price ($20 compared to over $100 new-- and Mamaroo's are $175 and up), we'd take it! We'll try it out, and if for some reason we do decide to get a Mamaroo or are able to at some point, we'll just sell that one! It makes me feel better that we have something to put the baby in that moves!

I went through all the stuff we've gotten for her so far yesterday and made a list of the things we still need. It seems like so much! Most of it is little, though, so hopefully it will be easy to get.

We now have a doctor! We met with a doctor in Canton (45 minutes to an hour away from here) on Monday, and we really liked him. He was nice and friendly, with no chip on his shoulder and no arrogance. He acted like a VBAC was no big deal and he was perfectly fine with doing them. He actually works in Peoria and Pekin part of the time too, so I'm sure he's had plenty of experience. We have our last appointment with our current midwife coming up on Tuesday, along with a sonogram to see if things look good for a VBAC. I'm relieved to have a doctor. It's still a little strange not really knowing him or knowing the hospital at all, but hopefully by the time I deliver I'll feel better! I'm also a little disappointed it's further away - It will make it more difficult for Eric and a longer trip for the boys to come visit, but oh well! Hopefully we'll have the good birth experience we want! I am extremely thankful that I no longer have to worry about just showing up at a hospital or continuing going to one that doesn't do VBAC's.

Christmas and New Year's

Finally some time to write about our Christmas and now New Year's!

Eric had to work on Christmas Eve, but he got off in the afternoon and we went to Dad's for the evening. They had some food and we all opened gifts. The boys got bean bag chairs, along with other toys, books, and dvd's. Eric got two gift cards - one to BWW and one for the Beer of the Month Club. It starts at the end of January, so it will be interesting to see what kinds we get! I got a gift card to a spa here that does everything from hair to manicures to massage. We got them a couple of little things and a sign made out of metal that says The (their last name). We enjoyed being there, but that was also when I was feeling pretty sickly! When we got home, we spread the reindeer dust and set out milk and cookies before heading to bed. Timmy left us for the year that night, something Eric & I were pretty happy about! :) We enjoy having him very much, but it also gets difficult to think of spots to put him-- especially where Aeson can't reach!

Christmas morning, we had to send Westen back to bed several times before we all finally got up! I'm not sure what time exactly he woke up, but I don't think he ever went back to sleep! The kids opened all their gifts and stockings. Westen's big gift was a Nintendo 3DS, and he got quite a few artsy things as well. Aeson's big gift was a power wheel convertible car, which we've already gotten to take out and drive because it's been around 50 degrees here! They were very happy and busy with their gifts. After breakfast and cleaning up, my sister and her husband (and their son) came over to do gifts. Again, everyone got some nice stuff. It was fun too that Aeson was able to open his own gifts and get excited about them this year.

We then headed to my dad's parent's house, where we had lunch and gifts again. We all got money, and we got them a gift certificate. We always enjoy spending time there. Soon, we had to head to Eric's parent's, though, and Aeson got a nap on the way. It was nice to spend the rest of the afternoon and evening there. I love relaxing time with family! We had a big, delicious meal and everyone got lots of nice gifts. Westen got a Lego set he was really wanting, along with other toys, clothes, and pajamas. Eric and I had already gotten our dishwasher and deep freeze from them for early Christmas presents, but we still got some other nice things as well. Everyone went in on a Kindle Fire for Eric's mom, and we got his dad some things he needed.

Eric and I didn't do gifts for each other this year or for anyone other than kids or parents. I wish we could - I like buying for people, and I think it would be more fun, but it's also more stressful and costs more money. Overall, we had a wonderful Christmas. The boys got way too much, as usual! We still haven't found a spot for it all. One of the things I wanted to do over break was go through their old toys, but we haven't gotten around to it yet!

Yesterday was New Year's Eve. Eric had to work again, so the kids and I started watching some of the celebration on tv. We ordered pizza and ate when Eric got home, then got our our sparkling juice and drank that! Aeson didn't like it, so we had to get him apple juice. :) Around 9, we watched the ball from prior years drop on youtube and toasted each other. The kids were asleep soon after that, and after feeling the baby's head down low again (it was off to the side but still lower than it has been!), we also went to bed! So, I wasn't awake to ring in the new year, but that's ok! I'd rather get my sleep!! I hope it's a great year for us, but I don't really expect many changes other than meeting our baby girl. I'm not making any resolutions this year. I'm constantly trying to get better at lots of things, so I don't really find the changing of the year anything really special or different!