Anxiety

The daycare is going much better. I've become more used to everything and so have the kids, I think. We've had snow days every week, I think, so that always throws it off a bit! Everything seems to be in transition right now, though, and it feels odd.

I love being home.. LOVE LOVE LOVE spending every minute with my kids. Not having to get out in the cold. Being with my husband more. Etc etc. I've been wondering lately how long I will do it, though. I started out thinking maybe I'd join the workforce after I have one more baby and get to spend time with it.. but that seems awfully far away. Maybe it won't seem like it then. I have no idea how you choose to have another baby, and I'm not sure when I'll be ready for that. Daycare's such a weird thing too b/c it's not always constant, you know.. The kids get older and they go to school and you have to find new ones. In the end too, I still have no idea what I want to DO with my life. I was pursuing the counseling field and have all my experience in that.. but I don't think it's something I want to do my whole life. Maybe. But at this point, I'm not feeling it! I don't miss it AT ALL! I have no idea what else to do, though.. I know some things I'm interested in, but I don't want to go into more debt to 'see' if I like them! Ahh.. it's hard. I'm such a planner.. I need to work on being happier in the present and not worrying so about all that.

Eric's sort of in the same position, though. His hours have been cut lately, which leaves us stressed financially and I suppose is what brings up all these thoughts! He has been applying for jobs pretty much our entire relationship and has never gotten a good one. I have no idea why. He's very intelligent and presentable. He needs a full-time job badly.. but at the same time, I will miss having him at home with me.. and especially the help he provides with the daycare! I do hope he finds something, though, and soon. He's thought about returning to school as well but isn't sure what he wants to do either.

This is turning into rather a 'down' post.. but I am also having lots of difficulty with eating! Being home with all the kids has made me snack so much more! Plus it's winter and we're stuck inside all day. I want to lose weight sooo bad.. I've started exercising each night, but I'm not sure it's enough. At least I have time for it now, though- unlike before!

Westen's fourth birthday party was this past weekend. He had SO much fun! He wore his party hat from the time he woke up that morning and asked all day if it was time for his party. He looked so bashful when we all sang to him. This is the first year that I think he's REALLY understanding things. Although I don't think he quite understood that it was just his PARTY day, not his actual birthday (which is in two days). Lots of people came and he got a ton of cool gifts. We got him some artsy stuff and a puppet, all of which he has already used and loves! He's been learning how to draw letters and numbers. He's SUCH a good little artist too! He spends most of his days drawing. I'm currently trying to decide if I'll send him to school this fall or not. It would be PreK. I'm sure all you other moms know how I'm feeling about it! I looked at the readiness for kindergarten list and he can ALREADY do all of that stuff... so it's not that he needs it at all for that. And I'm planning on getting him into some sports this summer at the Y.. So I don't know if he needs to be in school all day every day. There's also a school dilemma. We only have one public school, and I'm not too crazy about him attending there. There's a small baptist one that only goes through grade school and there's a Catholic one that is an AWESOME school, but I'm not too sure about the religion part, I don't know if we could even get in, and it's costly (although I don't know how much). I should probably take time to learn more, but I am so busy during the day with the daycare. It's hard to do much of anything during 'business' hours!

Aeson's getting SO big. He's in 12 month clothes. I've become increasingly worried about his size the bigger he's gotten. I worry about his breathing.. his ability to do things because of the extra weight.. his uncomfortableness.. and him being made fun of as a child. Hopefully he won't, as he should be grown 'out' of it and to 'normal' size by the time kids get around to doing those things.. but it's still a worry. I worry way too much lately! Acey's been getting cuter and cuter, though, and he's become such a better baby since I've been home. He'll play on his own for quite a while and has even fallen asleep in his crib by himself with NO crying for the last several days! (during naptime only :).. We haven't tried at night yet) He wants to do so much more than he's able to. He likes to sit with our assistance and he's always reaching for and playing with toys now. He very much enjoys his exersaucer! His little laughs are my favorite. They don't happen too often.. usually only if you tickle him (he's very ticklish!) or if something new is funny- After a time or two, he no longer thinks it's funny!

I'm trying to treasure these moments. It's different for baby's first year, because HE is my purpose.. It's almost like everything I do is for him. Eventually I'll get a part of 'my' life back, but right now, I'm enjoying being his everything. :) I know I won't ever have a chance to be that again, not for him anyway. Westen's already getting so big and showing me just how fast they grow up!