Stresssssed

I don't like being an adult!

Actually, I do like it; I just don't like all the responsibility that comes with it.

I got sick this weekend - the most sick I've been in a long time. After lying in bed with Aubryn all day (and the boys destroying the house.. Eric was at work) and feeling almost delirious from my fever (I couldn't stay awake, couldn't concentrate, and was alternating between feeling like I was in a frozen body of water and burning from a fire), Eric was THANKFULLY able to come home while I ran to convenient care. I had a fever of 103 & my strep test came back positive. Eric had to go back to work right when I got home, so I was forced to get all the kids out (I didn't even trust myself driving really!) to go get my medicine fifteen minutes later. It's rough being a mom and being sick.

The medicine kicked in fairly quickly, but I really think this all came about from being too stressed and not taking care of myself. Eric's been working over 50 hours a week.. Last week, he was there two hours later than he was supposed to be not once, or twice, but THREE times. It makes it hard to plan, hard to count on him, and leaves a lot up to me. I'm having trouble finding the time or concentrating on my classes. I'm still doing well, but I'll be glad when the semester's over.

I'm mostly stressing about school in the fall, though. If things are the way they currently are, there's no way we can do it. Nursing school is extremely hard, and we keep hearing horror stories everywhere we go. The dad has to take up a lot of the responsibility and with Eric working as much as he is, I just don't see how that's going to be possible. I hear other students talking about how they were up all night studying and working, and that worries me. I'm going to breastfeed Aubryn as long as I possibly can, and there's no question about that. I'm worried about how it all will work. I want to do it, and I keep telling myself it's only four semesters, BUT I just cannot let it interfere so much that I'm not able to nurse her or have time with my family. Not to mention babysitting.. I'm so much more protective of Aubryn because she's a girl.. and Aeson hasn't been to daycare since he was four months old & does  not want to go. I absolutely do not want them in daycare, but I don't think we can get around it. Eric's boss has said he could have two weekdays off, but then when will I do my homework if he's gone the rest of the week?? It's pretty much impossible to get much done with three kids - Right now, I do it all on Eric's days off. Then Eric's mom has said she would help occasionally, but that still leave 1-2 days a week we don't have anyone.. and she lives out of town, so weather could always affect that. I'm also worried about what happens when one of my babies is sick.. I know they would want to be with their momma, and it would break my heart not to be with them.

I'm going to do it someday, no matter what. I'm still hoping and planning to start in the fall, but if I can't, I can't. I can always get a nighttime job or something opposite of Eric and go back to school when they're all in school. It would mean re-taking a lot of these classes and possibly not having a mentor for my master's degree, but if I don't have a choice, that will have to be what I do.

I'm trying not to stress.. It's just hard figuring it all out. It seems impossible right now.