School Issues

My poor Westen has had a rough start to his school career, and I am left with a very bad impression of our public schools. I'm not sure if I've written about it before or not (I'm guessing I have), but he has had several instances of kids being mean to him, even physically. Somehow there are never any teachers that intervene. It tends to happen at recess or lunch. Last week, he had several things happen to him in one day and then every day since then, he's come home with another story of kids being mean to him. He looks so broken down when he talks about it (frequently saying he doesn't want to talk about it at first), and it is SO hard on this momma! I was bullied for less than one year of school while I was in school, and it STILL affects me to this day. So when he talks about this, it just brings up all those feelings, and I would never, ever, ever want anyone to feel like that, especially my child. It has been so hard to continue to send him to school, not knowing what the other kids are going to say or do to him. I worry about him all day, and brace myself for what he's going to tell me when I pick him up. The first time I e-mailed his teacher right away, who forwarded it on to the principal, and I was called the next day. She explained that they had a lot of students who didn't go to preschool and didn't know how to play with other children, so they were looking at having a different recess period for those children if they could identify them. This time, I again e-mailed his teacher right away, and I still have not received an e-mail OR a phone call from anyone. (This happened last Wednesday, by the way) I'm just very unhappy with all of it.

Eric is too. We discussed what our options are. At first, I wished I could homeschool him, but I'm just not sure that's 'right' for us. I'm not disciplined enough, I'd like for him to be around other children more, and frankly, I just don't have the time. There are two other schools in town associated with churches. One is the one he attended for preschool, which he and we loved. He still plays with the kids from there, so I'm sure it would be an easy transition BUT there is just no way we can afford it. No possible way. The other option is half the price, so while things would definitely be even more tight, it would be possible. So far we've only heard good things, and we're going to visit on Wednesday. The principal offered for tomorrow when I called today, but we have a doctor's appointment. I'm anxious to go see! We'll find out more about the school and Westen will be able to sit in the class for a half hour or so to see what he thinks as well. I thought that was great, and the principal seemed really nice. I'm HOPING this is what we're looking for.

As problems have come up, I've talked to Westen about going to another school and he'd always been hesitant. He'd say sometimes people are nice to him, so he'd like to stay where he's at. By the end of last week, though, he said he "thinks it's time." :( He's very open to seeing the other school. Pray for us that things work out how they should!

***

I continue to feel SO guilty that I'm attending school. I know that it's for the best - I love that my children don't have to go to daycare and that I will be working (and making good money) in just a couple of years, but in the meantime, it's hard not to feel guilty when we struggle so much-- and when things like this come up, where we could pay for a better school if only I were working. I rely on my sister for babysitting too, and if she's unable, the only other person we possibly have is Eric's mom who doesn't live in town. My sister has had blood pressure problems in the past during pregnancy, and I'm becoming worried that I may not have a sitter for class. Not only that, but I am absolutely DREADING leaving Aeson and Aubryn in daycare in the fall if I get into nursing school. That's the main reason I'm considering a community college for my RN (versus the university, where I'd get my BSN) - It would be less classes and less time to find a babysitter for. Plus, once again, the money issue comes up. Sometimes, it just feels like you're doing the wrong thing even when you're completely trying to do what's best.

***

We have our final appointment with our midwife tomorrow, along with a sonogram. I'm excited to see how big our baby is, to make sure she's still a girl (haha!), and to see that everything looks well. Also to see what position she's in! I'm not sure anymore, because she's really taking up all of my stomach these days! The hiccups were low for a couple of days in a row, though, so *hopefully* she's head down. I'll be 33 weeks on Wednesday, and things are definitely getting harder. I feel odd after I pick Aeson up or bring laundry up from downstairs now. It's, of course, getting even more difficult to get down on the floor to pick up or clean things. Getting out of bed is definitely a chore! I also have heartburn most days. It's all definitely worth it, though! I'm not quite ready for her to come either! While I want to see her and all of this stuff isn't the most fun, I'm definitely going to miss her moving around in my belly AND I'm not quite ready for the sleep deprivation that I know will come along with her!

Aeson's been giving my belly kisses multiple times a day, saying "I miss you, Aubryn!" It's quite cute. :) He also hasn't nursed in months but all of a sudden wants to again! It's so strange! I feel bad that he wants the comfort, but so far he doesn't throw any fits about it - he just mentions it several times a day!

Well, the kids want to play computer games, so better let them at it!

Found a doctor!

In the way that blogging usually does, I felt much, much better after writing the other day about my stresses. I realized that although we may not have everything we WANT, we have everything we NEED. I might just have to carry the baby around more, but we'll manage. We could also get all of this stuff if we had credit cards, but we DON'T and for that I'm thankful!

Last night, someone ended up getting in touch with me on facebook about a swing someone had for sale. I contacted the person, and it's supposed to be a cheaper version of the Mamaroo (the swing I really want!). It's in great condition, and she's only selling it because her daughter doesn't like it. We figured at the price ($20 compared to over $100 new-- and Mamaroo's are $175 and up), we'd take it! We'll try it out, and if for some reason we do decide to get a Mamaroo or are able to at some point, we'll just sell that one! It makes me feel better that we have something to put the baby in that moves!

I went through all the stuff we've gotten for her so far yesterday and made a list of the things we still need. It seems like so much! Most of it is little, though, so hopefully it will be easy to get.

We now have a doctor! We met with a doctor in Canton (45 minutes to an hour away from here) on Monday, and we really liked him. He was nice and friendly, with no chip on his shoulder and no arrogance. He acted like a VBAC was no big deal and he was perfectly fine with doing them. He actually works in Peoria and Pekin part of the time too, so I'm sure he's had plenty of experience. We have our last appointment with our current midwife coming up on Tuesday, along with a sonogram to see if things look good for a VBAC. I'm relieved to have a doctor. It's still a little strange not really knowing him or knowing the hospital at all, but hopefully by the time I deliver I'll feel better! I'm also a little disappointed it's further away - It will make it more difficult for Eric and a longer trip for the boys to come visit, but oh well! Hopefully we'll have the good birth experience we want! I am extremely thankful that I no longer have to worry about just showing up at a hospital or continuing going to one that doesn't do VBAC's.

Christmas and New Year's

Finally some time to write about our Christmas and now New Year's!

Eric had to work on Christmas Eve, but he got off in the afternoon and we went to Dad's for the evening. They had some food and we all opened gifts. The boys got bean bag chairs, along with other toys, books, and dvd's. Eric got two gift cards - one to BWW and one for the Beer of the Month Club. It starts at the end of January, so it will be interesting to see what kinds we get! I got a gift card to a spa here that does everything from hair to manicures to massage. We got them a couple of little things and a sign made out of metal that says The (their last name). We enjoyed being there, but that was also when I was feeling pretty sickly! When we got home, we spread the reindeer dust and set out milk and cookies before heading to bed. Timmy left us for the year that night, something Eric & I were pretty happy about! :) We enjoy having him very much, but it also gets difficult to think of spots to put him-- especially where Aeson can't reach!

Christmas morning, we had to send Westen back to bed several times before we all finally got up! I'm not sure what time exactly he woke up, but I don't think he ever went back to sleep! The kids opened all their gifts and stockings. Westen's big gift was a Nintendo 3DS, and he got quite a few artsy things as well. Aeson's big gift was a power wheel convertible car, which we've already gotten to take out and drive because it's been around 50 degrees here! They were very happy and busy with their gifts. After breakfast and cleaning up, my sister and her husband (and their son) came over to do gifts. Again, everyone got some nice stuff. It was fun too that Aeson was able to open his own gifts and get excited about them this year.

We then headed to my dad's parent's house, where we had lunch and gifts again. We all got money, and we got them a gift certificate. We always enjoy spending time there. Soon, we had to head to Eric's parent's, though, and Aeson got a nap on the way. It was nice to spend the rest of the afternoon and evening there. I love relaxing time with family! We had a big, delicious meal and everyone got lots of nice gifts. Westen got a Lego set he was really wanting, along with other toys, clothes, and pajamas. Eric and I had already gotten our dishwasher and deep freeze from them for early Christmas presents, but we still got some other nice things as well. Everyone went in on a Kindle Fire for Eric's mom, and we got his dad some things he needed.

Eric and I didn't do gifts for each other this year or for anyone other than kids or parents. I wish we could - I like buying for people, and I think it would be more fun, but it's also more stressful and costs more money. Overall, we had a wonderful Christmas. The boys got way too much, as usual! We still haven't found a spot for it all. One of the things I wanted to do over break was go through their old toys, but we haven't gotten around to it yet!

Yesterday was New Year's Eve. Eric had to work again, so the kids and I started watching some of the celebration on tv. We ordered pizza and ate when Eric got home, then got our our sparkling juice and drank that! Aeson didn't like it, so we had to get him apple juice. :) Around 9, we watched the ball from prior years drop on youtube and toasted each other. The kids were asleep soon after that, and after feeling the baby's head down low again (it was off to the side but still lower than it has been!), we also went to bed! So, I wasn't awake to ring in the new year, but that's ok! I'd rather get my sleep!! I hope it's a great year for us, but I don't really expect many changes other than meeting our baby girl. I'm not making any resolutions this year. I'm constantly trying to get better at lots of things, so I don't really find the changing of the year anything really special or different!

Emotional third trimester!

I'm 31 weeks pregnant today! I'm actually feeling much better lately - not as much soreness and uncomfortableness. For the past couple of weeks, Aeson has gone back to his old self and has been reattached to me! He constantly tells me "I missed you bery much," even if I haven't been gone! He's always giving me kisses, rubbing my belly, talking to the baby (he says "Hi Aubryn!"-- and says her name really well too!), and coming in before he goes to sleep to cuddle with me. I love him being back to his cuddly self! Oh, and he's also started telling Aubryn he misses her, lol!

Westen loves talking to my belly too. The baby seems to love his voice and moves a bunch in response, which he in turn laughs at. I love watching him get so excited about it. They'll both be wonderful big brothers, I'm sure!

I think I've hit the super emotional phase of pregnancy! I'm constantly thinking about how much I love my boys, to the point of it making me cry! Part of that is probably just realizing that things will be changing soon, and I may not have as much time with them as I'd like. Part of it too is that since I'm getting closer to actually having the baby, I'm getting more scared. I've been watching A Baby Story a lot, and it seems like most people get scared of the birth, which is comforting to me.

I had an appointment with my midwife at 30 weeks. I'd gained 2 more pounds in the prior two weeks, leaving me at 23 so far. I'm actually really pretty proud of that amount, because that leaves me on target to gain 33 total (they estimate a pound a week) and with my other two, I gained over 50 with Westen and over 40 with Aeson! Everything else looked great, besides baby being sideways.

The day after my appointment, I ended up waking up with a sore throat throughout the night and it continued getting worse over Christmas weekend. My glands were really swollen and sore, and after Christmas, it progressed to having a fever and a horrible pressure headache. I also ended up vomiting on Christmas morning, which I have no idea if it was related or not. I was worried it was a stomach bug because that's been going around, but I was still wanting food and not at all nauseous or anything the rest of the day, so I figured it was just part of the pregnancy. Anyway, I called the office first thing Monday morning, because I could barely swallow my own saliva & had been taking Tylenol all weekend. The midwife was off for most of the week, but I got to see the OB there. He was very nice. He checked out the baby first and as soon as I laid back on the table, he said, "Geez, how big's this baby going to be?" I told him she'd been measuring ahead of where I am on sonos. You can tell exactly where she is when I lie down too - right where her head and butt are! He talked to me about transferring care and seemed irritated as well that my old office won't take me back. He said too that he wishes they could do them, and that's one of the things he's going to be revisiting at the next big meeting. He also thought I had sinusitis (strep test was negative) & called in a prescription for an antibiotic. I hate taking anything unless I absolutely have to, but at this point, it was getting too hard to try to take care of my family while being so sick. Between feeling unwell and the fever, I ended up crying when Eric had to leave for work (the kids actually ended up being REALLY good that day) and crying again the next day when I was talking to Kodak about my camera not working. Fever and pregnancy don't mix well! :)

I am very upset about my camera. I just bought a new one two months ago and it stopped working the day before Christmas for the SECOND time. Kodak says I have to send it in for repairs, but I don't want a repaired one when it has basically never worked properly & I bought it brand new! Luckily I was able to borrow a camera for Christmas morning, but I hate not being able to snap pictures of the kids when I want them, and I NEED one for the birth of our baby. I'm waiting to hear back from customer relations now.

It's been so hard being on a limited income while being pregnant. I want to give our baby girl the best and have the best for her, and it bothers me a lot when we can't. We're down to 9 weeks left, and we still have no crib, no dresser, no swing or bouncer, and her room hasn't even been painted. We can really make do without a crib or dresser, and even without the room being painted if we have to.. but I really, really feel like I need a swing, bouncer, and a sling in order to make my life easier and be able to take care of my other kids after. It's very hard to deal with, but it also reminds me why I'm going to school. Things might be hard now, but they'll be better than ever in a couple of years (I hope!).

It has been a very emotional week!

Finding a doctor

This doctor stuff has been an ordeal with this pregnancy! Since I've had a normal birth and a C-section only because the baby was breech, I'm a good candidate for a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean). We attended our first appointment with the doctor I've had for both the boys. I have mixed feelings about their office and when he said he would do a VBAC but acted like it was a huge inconvenience (something I feel is MUCH less important than the health of mom & baby.. and hello, it's your job!), we decided to go to a midwife we'd heard wonderful things about. Went to our appointment there & found out they can't do VBAC's because insurance won't allow them to. She did do them for over 20 years and was very successful, but they were stopped from doing anymore because the insurance companies believed all the bigger hospitals weren't doing them & so they shouldn't be either. (This actually isn't true.. Most hospitals do do them, and there's only one other hospital close to us that I've found that DOESN'T)

Anyway, we still loved the midwife and the rest of the staff there, as well as their breastfeeding and family friendly OB department, so we really couldn't imagine going anywhere else after attending the appointment there. We talked to the midwife and she believed we should continue care there and then transfer care to our old doctor before the last month - She thought he would accept patients from other doctors as long as they weren't past 36 weeks. I'm sure she must've done it before to think this. Anyway, so that was the plan. AND she is more than willing to take us back if we'd end up going somewhere else & then have to have a C-section for whatever reason.

So that's how we proceeded and once I got to 30 weeks, I was getting nervous about where I'd be delivering. So far, baby's transverse, so I may very well end up having to have a C-section, but I'm trying everything I can to get baby to turn head down- and Westen was also transverse all the way up until 37 weeks, at which point they weren't sure if he was head down or not, and then by 38 weeks he was & my water broke that same night. So anyway, I'm trying not to get discouraged. I will have to be fine with a C-section if it's needed for some reason, but I'm not going to choose one just because. There is the scary risk of the uterus rupturing with a VBAC, but it is SO low, there are many more risks with C-sections (particularly repeat), and we just have to put our trust in the doctors and medical staff to take care of us if that should happen. I hope and pray it won't, but we've discussed it and discussed it and discussed it & that's what we feel is safest and best for all of us.

So anyway, our midwife scheduled a sonogram right around 33 weeks to see if baby's head down and to check other things, like if there's enough fluid for baby to turn easily, etc if she's not. She said to go ahead and call our old doctor since it can take a couple of weeks to get into him. I did so as soon as we got home, and they said they'd have to talk to the office manager before scheduling an appointment. I hadn't heard anything by the next day, so I called again, and this lady was quite rude and said there is a note in to the doctor to make sure but their policy is typically not to accept patients back who have left their practice.

I was a pretty big mess after that. I was envisioning myself with no doctor when it's time to give birth and not sure what I would do. I'm incredibly thankful for facebook pages, because I'm a member of several VBAC groups on there and have found out a lot since. Apparently, you can refuse to have a C-section, and if you're in labor, the hospital you go to has to take care of you until you've delivered. I really do not want to be in that position, and I don't want to cause any issues, but it's good to know too.

Like I said, there are lots of other hospitals around that do allow VBAC's. I was worried that I would have difficulty getting into other hospitals, though, being over 30 weeks pregnant. They're also not the most convenient since the closest is 45 minutes away. I really wasn't wanting that either, because it will make it more difficult for Eric to get back and forth to work, the boys and other family to visit, and you never know what the weather's going to be like. I guess we just won't be able to have everything perfect, though!

I ended up talking to a doctor's office whom we'd heard very good things about yesterday, and they seemed to have no issue at all with me coming there. She just said they'd want to see me as soon as possible instead of waiting until after the sono/last appointment with my midwife. So, we have an appointment there on Monday, and I'm anxious to see what the doctor says. Hopefully he's as wonderful as everyone has made him out to be!

I still haven't heard back from the old doctor, and honestly I'm not expecting to, nor am I sure we'd even want to go there after how we've been treated. We'll see if I would happen to hear they would take me back, but I really believe that won't be the case! Sometimes it stinks living in a small, rural town & not having many options!

So that's where we are right now. Hopefully I'll have time soon to update about my recent appointments and our Christmas!

28 Weeks

Earlier this week, my back started hurting.. and kept hurting. It was a crampy constant feeling, one I didn't remember having with either of my other kids. I was going to wait to see if it continued another day but then remembered it was my midwife's day off, so I called to ask about it & they wanted me to come in & get checked out. The weather was pretty crappy, and I did not want to go at all! I told her I really didn't want to unless I had to, and they said they'd feel more comfortable if I came in. They checked for a UTI or early labor, but neither seemed to be the case (thank goodness!). She thinks the baby is just lying a weird way, and she showed me some pictures and how it can affect the back. It continued hurting for a day or so after that but then went away.

The midwife went ahead & went over things as a regular appointment, so I was able to cancel the one for next week and reschedule for the week after. I'd gained NO weight over the last two weeks, which included Thanksgiving, so I thought that was pretty amazing! I'm really pretty happy with my weight gain overall so far. I've gained 21 lbs at 28 weeks pregnant. I know some people gain very little, but with my first I gained over 50 & with my second, I gained over 40. This one puts me on target for around 33.. If so, this will be my first time within the recommended range! I really credit that to knowing a WHOLE lot more about food and eating much healthier than I ever have before AND to all the walking we were able to do at the beginning of the pregnancy.

Everything else looked great and at first she thought the baby could be head down and in exactly the position I was thinking of... but then the heartbeat was very loud at the top of my stomach, so she wasn't sure. She said we'll schedule the sono at my next appointment, so it should be in about a month. I brought up how baby's can change position at any time, and she said that's true but that we could look at fluid and things like that to see if baby would be likely to turn or not. I did tell her that we've decided on trying for a VBAC. This means I'll have to leave their practice because they're not allowed to do them. We talked about the doctor that's closest to me and my concerns. She knows others who have had VBACs there and had great experiences. She also recommended having a doula, which I will have (and I do agree, it should definitely help!). The two main risk factors I've come across for uterine rupture are single versus double stitching during the c-section and where the placenta is lying. She wasn't sure what stitching I had but looked at my last sono and the placenta was up high, which is perfect.

On my way home, two people had wrecked- one had flipped completely over. There were tons of ambulances and police cars. I'm so thankful it wasn't me! It did make me think about the fact that anything can happen at any moment, though, and that while I'm scared of having a VBAC, I'd be scared of childbirth in any case, just as I have a certain amount of fear on any day that something could happen to any of us. I just have to believe what's meant to be will happen.

Aeson's changed his behavior recently about the pregnancy. He was always lovey and interested before, just like his brother, but now he doesn't want to talk about the baby, he doesn't want us looking at my tummy, etc. In looking back at prior diary entries, I saw that Westen began acting weird around this same point with Aeson's pregnancy (not wanting to ever be home!). They must sense that it's getting closer or something.

Completely unrelated, Westen's teacher made each child a chain as a countdown to Christmas and on each piece of the chain is a different activity to do. We've had a lot of fun doing them, and I really appreciate her taking the time to make it! Some of the things have included making a card for someone at school, making an ornament to hang in the window (we made snowflakes instead b/c they'd already painted ornaments a couple weeks ago), cleaning his room, and tonight we wrote a letter to Santa. He had me write all the things he wants and about all the times he's been good and bad! He said he thought Santa would bring him presents if he was honest! :)

Thanksgiving, Early Christmas activities

Right before Thanksgiving, we had my glucose test, full blood panel, and midwife appointment. My glucose & all blood work came back normal, so I was very happy about that. My iron was still a little low, and she said she'd just like to get it built up before the birth since so much blood is lost. We talked to her a lot about having a VBAC and uterine ruptures, without getting any real answers. They were questions that really aren't answerable, though.. Nobody knows what will happen until it does. I have been actively reading and corresponding with people about VBAC's, and we feel certain at this point that that's the way to go. We feel it's safest for baby and for me. I know anything could come up before then, though, so I'm not counting on anything- just hoping for the best!

Around Thanksgiving, we started looking for our Elf on the Shelf, Timmy. We could not find him ANYWHERE. Apparently we hid him so well last year (so the kids couldn't find him!) that we couldn't find him this year! We ended up finally finding him just the other day (in a place Eric had already looked at least twice :)). Westen loves having him around. He's been very well behaved and asks me to give Timmy daily behavior reports. Every morning, he jumps out of bed to find where Timmy's new spot is for the day. Aeson's been a little freaked out by him. The first couple of days, Aeson wouldn't look at Timmy & he even hid from him after seeing he moved on the second day! We'd watched a show on tv about the Elf on the Shelf, so I think Aeson really believes he's real and it freaks him out a little. :) I think he's getting more used to him now, though.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We'd had an early Christmas get together with Eric's dad's side of the family before Thanksgiving, since Eric's grandparents will be gone over Christmas. Then we had our Thanksgiving meal at Eric's parent's house, and everything was delicious. The kids were extremely well behaved, and it was just an enjoyable day.

That night, Eric, Aeson, and I braved Walmart for some of their deals. We got what we wanted and got out quickly. They were the busiest I've ever seen, but I think it's pretty fun. :) We got one of ten power wheel cars that Aeson wanted for Christmas, an art set for Westen, some dvd's for all the kids, a couple of play-dough sets, and a deep freeze that Eric's parents bought us for one of our Christmas presents. We also already got our other big present from them, which is a portable dishwasher. I am SO incredibly thankful for both! The dishwasher has been amazing. I can't believe how much time I save not having to do the dishes.. and how nice it is not to have to worry about dishes in my sink, standing there doing them, etc! I've never had a dishwasher before, so I'm pretty much in love! We also got groceries for the first time today since getting the deep freeze & it was nice to not have to worry about how much would fit in our freezer! Hopefully we won't have to grocery shop as much. :) I'm planning on making up some meals and things to put in it over Christmas break for when the baby comes. My sister got me a recipe book full of freezer recipes for the my birthday, so I'm excited to do that. I'm excited to just have the TIME to cook and bake and prepare!

We got the baby a changing table this weekend. Aeson broke the one we had by jumping on it, and luckily we were able to find a very cute one on a used website. We still have a crib, dresser, mamaroo (swing), and a sling to buy. Probably along with some more clothes and cloth diapers. Seems like a lot! We're getting there, though.

Yesterday, we went to Dickens On The Square. The kids got to see Santa and tell him what they wanted (Westen a Nintendo 3DS and Aeson said "toys"!). We took Westen to the children's shopping mall, where he got to pick out gifts for us. He wanted to buy for everyone, but we just didn't have enough money for everyone in our families. It will be cute to see what he picked out! They had some activities the kids did, and then we rode in a horse drawn carriage around the square, which both kids loved!

Today, Eric and I pretty much finished our Christmas shopping! The kids spent the afternoon with his parents, while we rushed around everywhere & then came home to wrap everything. I'm very sore and ready for bed! Tomorrow starts my last week of actual classes.. then all I have left is finals!