First day back to normal & since then

Well, that first day back to school and work didn't go so well! Looking back now, I realize I just put too much stuff on my plate! I went to class.. didn't do well on the test. I'm not meaning to boast, but I always do well in school. I study hard & know my stuff. Well, there was ONE thing I wasn't sure about & hadn't studied well (probably from missing class) and OF COURSE that one thing ended up being like 30 points of matching things. I cried when I left! I was so upset that I even left the baby, that I even took the test when she said I didn't have to.. all of that just for a bad grade! It's really not THAT bad, because we do get to drop one test, so I'm sure this will be the one I use! We also usually get to correct them for half the points. Anyway, Aubryn was getting fussy when I got home, which worried me since that was a short day! Aubryn also went through MANY outfits that day, something she never does! We then headed out to get pictures taken that evening, and I got lost on the way! An hour later, I finally got there. They did all the pics diaper-less, which meant many messes on their stuff! (and me constantly wiping her!) I also kept trying to feed her to get her to go to sleep, but she never would! (She was ALWAYS sleeping at this point in time) I got home much later than planned, and I was beyond exhausted at that point.

Since then, things have been much better! I went to class again that week, and Aubryn stayed asleep the entire time, plus over an hour once I got home. Then we had Spring Break, so I don't go back until this Monday.

We had my two week checkup this past Monday. I'd lost another 4 pounds, leaving me at 10 left. I think those will be the hardest!! Everything looked great, and they weighed Aubryn too. She was just shy of 11 lbs!!! I couldn't believe it. I was guessing 10. I've already had to put away her newborn clothing and move up to size 1 diapers. I talked to my midwife about the schools she went to, as that is my ultimate goal. She didn't start school until she was 35, so stories like that always give me hope! I already feel so old! She also said that she would love to be my mentor if I do become a midwife.. I just have to do it within the next 9 years, because she's retiring then! I was so happy she offered to do this! I can't think of someone better to work with/learn from. I started looking into schools when I got home, and it was all pretty confusing. Each one requires different things, and some of the things are long processes. We'll see!

Aubryn is still a wonderful baby. I think everyone in our families is in love with her! Westen continues to come in and see her every morning when he wakes up, and he still says "she's so cute!" every single day! Aeson also says she's cute or beautiful, and he pats her or gives her hugs. One day last week, he did try to pick her up from the Boppy she was lying in! I was checking to see how clean their room was, and I came back out to him trying to hold her! Thank goodness she didn't fall or anything! I definitely learned that I can't leave them alone for even a second! Aeson just kept saying "but I want to hold her!" :) Sweet boy.

Aeson also had a big first this week - He stayed all night with Eric's parents, along with Westen. Westen had already planned to go, and I got to thinking that I really thought Aeson was old enough too and would start feeling left out. He loves to go places too, because he's always at home! So, we asked him & he wanted to go! They were okay with trying it too, so they picked both of them up in the afternoon. Aeson went just fine, and slept all night that night. They said he did great!

Our First Week Home

Don't have time for an in-depth update, but here are the highlights from our first week at home with baby girl:

Took Aubryn for her first appointment with the pediatrician on Monday. She had been 7lbs, 10oz when we left the hospital and was already up to 8lbs, 3 oz at her appointment! (She was 8lbs, 5oz at birth) Her color has remained great & no signs of jaundice. I credit that to the delayed cord clamping, especially since both my boys had it!

Aubryn has continued to sleep a lot & only cry when she's undressed! I usually can get her fed before she begins crying but sometimes she will if I have to change her diaper first! She continues to be a GREAT baby.. part of that too, though, I think is that Eric & I are more confident in our parenting choices & we know what works for us!

We took all three kids to the movie The Lorax. It was Aeson's first theater movie! They all did great. Westen and Aeson both loved it, Aeson sat through all but the last 15 minutes (and then he just stood in front of his seat & sat on the aisle step next to us), and Aubryn slept through it all (cuddled up to me in the Moby :)).

Aeson finally held Aubryn a couple days after we got home. He's held her a couple of times since, and he often pats her or kisses her and says "she's so nice!" So far, no signs of jealousy or any change of behavior!

Holy hormones! I have been so teary just randomly this week! I've cried because I love her so much, because she turned out so perfect, because I don't want to go back to school, even because she was asleep in the swing & I wished I was holding her.

I had my first postpartum visit at a week after. The doctor took my staples out & put steri-strips on, while also giving me another steroid injection to stop it from keloiding. I found out that he used a thing called an Alexis-O during surgery.. They used to use them on obese patients and then found that people were healing much faster and in much less pain, so they've started using them on regular people. That must be one reason I've felt so great! Beyond that first day, I really haven't been in much pain at all, and I was down to taking 1 dose of pain meds but just a few days after (have now taken none for the last few days). I kept thinking "I can't believe I had surgery two days ago," "I can't believe I had surgery 1 week ago," etc.. I definitely recommend asking about this if any of my readers have to have a c-section! I also talked to him about multiple c-sections. While we don't want to have any more children for a long time (not until I'm done with school and working at the LEAST) and we may not want any more (especially financially and due to all the worry that goes along with it), I do have to admit one of the things I felt worst about with choosing to have this c-section was the fact that each one means more risks with future pregnancies. He said the risk is really just the scar rupturing and with each scar, you have a 2% increase in that happening. It will definitely be something we'll have to think long & hard about when the time comes. He did say my first scar looked "good and this one looks better." He ended up doing three layers of stitching (they sometimes do one & always do two if the person may have a future pregnancy). I had also lost 20 pounds at that appointment, which means 14 more to go!

We also took goody baskets filled with candy, chocolate, popcorn, and trail mix to the doctor, the surgery staff, and our OB nurses, along with thank you cards.

Eric goes back to work tomorrow, and I go back to school. Crossing my fingers all goes well!

Aubryn's Birth Story

Thursday, we were so, so busy running around trying to get everything ready for the birth and the days after. That night, I slept well until 1:30 a.m. but then woke up to go to the bathroom and couldn't get back to sleep after that. I got on the computer and finally started getting ready, since we were getting up at 3:30 a.m. anyway. The boys had a sleepover in our room that night, sleeping on lots of blankets on our floor, and they both woke up while we were getting things ready so we moved them up in our bed. Mom got here at 4:15 and we gathered all our stuff and left for Carthage. I drove, because Eric driving makes me too nervous! I swear, he's about gotten us in accidents the last several times he drove! I was already nervous anyway and it was sleeting/snowing (which makes me more nervous :)), so we took our time and got there just after 5 a.m. My eyes filled with tears before we got out of the van, because I was really pretty scared. I didn't want to go in but knew I had to.

Someone in ER checked us in, and I studied the board with all the names of who was on call for surgery, cardio, anesthesia, etc, knowing those would be the people we soon saw. We were walked to OB next and taken to our room. It was HUGE! The hospital is new and everything is so modern and beautifully decorated. Our room had so much room, a kitchen area (with fridge, microwave, and sink), and a huge bathroom with a shower/whirlpool bath. I changed into my gown and laid down to get monitored. Our nurse came on at 5:30 a.m. and we ended up having the same two nurses (an RN for me, named Katy & an LPN for the baby, named Ashley) each day we were there - from 5:30 a.m. to 6 p.m. They were AMAZING. The only problem we had was my IV - She was unable to get it after two sticks, so she had a nurse from surgery come (who was equally as amazing) & she got it right away.

We were disappointed to realize we got no cell phone service there. We could pick up wi-fi to get on facebook and the internet but couldn't call or text anyone, nor could we receive them. The phone in the room could only call locally too, but they did give us the number & Eric soon got that to everyone so they could call us. Our doula got there and my dad not long after. The anesthesiologist came in (Mike) and explained everything he was going to do, what I was going to feel, and all that I could expect when I went back to surgery. He was incredibly nice and showed me how to do everything, even getting down & sitting on the floor! He discussed the risks, which scared me more than anything, but I knew he had to. The doctor came in during all of this too and prayed for us before heading out. That definitely made me feel more calm, but I still felt like I just wanted to go home at this point.

The in-between is a blur. I'm sure I was probably too scared to remember anything! I think they wheeled me to surgery, leaving my dad in the waiting room and Eric right outside of surgery. As soon as we passed through the doors and I saw the operating room, I started crying. I was just so overwhelmed and scared.. so many thoughts and feelings going through me. Everyone was completely amazing, though, comforting me, holding/rubbing my hand, saying all sorts of positive things. I seriously cannot say enough good things about the staff there. I couldn't IMAGINE any better, and I seriously wouldn't believe it if someone said anywhere else in the WORLD was better than there.

I sat on the table, just like Mike had told me to, and he began to feel my back. The spinal went very well. I was shaking throughout all of it, just from fear. He told me afterwards he was "like oh no" when he first saw my back because of my scoliosis, but once he felt it, he knew it would be fine. I laid down then and started feeling warm and tingly. My fears went away then.. I think that was what I'd been most scared of and now that it was over and working, I felt calm again. They prepped me and then brought Eric in. Now he was the one incredibly nervous! He kept asking me if I was okay. My blood pressure dropped just once, to the point of feeling a little weird, but Mike quickly gave me something to boost it & I was back to feeling normal.

The c-section seemed to take forever. I was extremely glad the doctor was taking his time and doing things carefully, but at the same time, I just wanted it over. They told us she had lots of long hair and told Eric to get his camera ready. She also HAD turned head down, which I was incredibly thankful for. I'd gone to the chiro the day before and done lots of praying that she'd turn in some way that would make it easier. They still had to do lots of pushing and pulling and after a couple of tries ended up using the vacuum to get her out. She immediately started screaming her little head off and continued to. Eric and I both started crying. It was so beautiful to hear after hearing only one little cry when Aeson came out.

Aubryn was taken over to be checked out and Eric went with her. He got to cut the cord there (they did do delayed cord clamping, even with the c-section). He took tons of pictures and the doctor joked that she already had a facebook page. Eric showed me all the pictures and they brought her over to me. Mike (who had been incredibly comforting the whole time, telling me I was in the top 5% of patients he'd had-- to which Lila, our midwife, added that I'd been one of her favorites too :)) even said something about getting the baby right up next to me for skin to skin, and got us in position for a couple of photos. Eric and the baby then went to our room, while they finished me up. I was taken to recovery, where Eric got to visit me, then our doula, and finally the baby was brought in for more skin to skin. She'd gotten some with daddy as well & had tried to nurse on him! I really wasn't there long & as soon as I got to my room, the nurses got Aubryn latched on to nurse. She took to it like a complete pro!

Aubryn was born at 7:38 a.m. and she weighed 8 lbs, 5 oz and was 21 inches long. She was completely perfect in every way.

Dad left after seeing both of us. Niki, Hodge & Jalane, and Mom visited us while in the hospital.

Westen & Aeson got to meet her that afternoon. Aeson didn't (and hasn't) really paid attention to her at all. He's given her a couple of kisses but isn't interested in holding her. He smiles if you pretend she's talking to him or kissing him, and he smiled when he saw her nursing. (I wasn't sure what he'd think of that!) Westen is extremely proud of her and completely in love! I think he's said "she's so cute!" a million times! He wanted to hold her constantly, and he comforts her when she cries.

She really has been an excellent baby so far. She slept a lot the first night. The second night, she wanted held more. She really only cries when she's naked and fusses when she's hungry. We're just in love with her! I wish time could stand still. I know it goes by way too quickly when they're this little.

The first night, they had me up to walk and I started crying it hurt so bad. I couldn't even take a step. They gave me more pain medicine and I tried after a while longer and then was able to walk down the hall and back. That night I could just tell I felt so much better and by the time I woke up, I really felt pretty good. I was up to walk that morning and then really up ever since then. Everyone said how great I was doing, and I was really amazed too. I really haven't had much pain at all. Nothing at ALL like the first c-section. I still take it easy, of course, and am not up for long periods of time, but there's just none of the stinging and horrible pain like there was last time. Even the ride home was perfectly fine! We left after 48 hours there and have been doing well at home since.

Aubryn had her first doctor's appointment today, and she was up to 8lbs, 3 oz. She'd been 7lbs, 10 oz when we left the hospital. Everything is really going perfectly, and I just wish I could stay in this moment forever!

February 24

What a week!

Monday, we had our doctor's appointment. Everything looked good, and the doctor was fine with no induction.. however, I was still only 1 cm, 50% thinned, and he couldn't feel the baby's head. I asked him about the foley balloon and stripping membranes to induce labor, and he said he "moved" my membranes that day and that he didn't think he could get the foley balloon through the opening in the cervix at this point. He said he was unsure I would be having her vaginally the way things looked, and he didn't expect me to go into labor on my own in the next two weeks. He had me make my appointment for next week with his partner, because he was going to be gone.

I had known a friend who worked at this hospital and remembered her telling me NOT to go to his partner, so I quickly got ahold of her and found out more details. Afterwards, neither Eric nor I felt comfortable going into labor with this person as the doctor. At ALL. I hoped that I would just go within the week, before my doctor left.

The next morning, I called the office to see when he was going to be gone exactly and found out that that was his last day for TWO weeks! I would be 41 weeks by the time he returned. I was so, so upset. I cried at having to be in this situation, at not trusting the doctor (especially in a serious situation if something would happen), and mostly at feeling like I had to give up on the VBAC that I wanted. I had not wanted another c-section at all, and I had done so much praying, talking to my body and the baby, and just plain wishing and hoping that things would happen so I didn't have to.

After crying and talking to my family, I called our midwife we had previously to see what I should do about transferring back there. They called back to say the doctor she works with is on vacation until Tuesday, and they wanted me to see the other doctor because they'd want to deliver before then. This was upsetting as well, because we had already met (and liked) the one doctor and had not met the other. My sister was also put on strict bedrest that day, and I worried these two things were maybe signs that we shouldn't proceed with the c-section.. that I should just wait it out (and therefore be available to my sister). My midwife actually called that evening, and it was a relief to talk to her. She was disappointed for me and felt the system was failing me, but she was also happy to have us back and said that she definitely trusts this doctor and thought we would like him even more than the other. I thought it was wonderful that she called me at 8:30 at night just to talk about this stuff, without me even calling her. I seriously love her and the hospital there more than I can say.

I felt more comfortable with our decision after grieving about it for that bit of time. I, and my family, felt there are signs showing us this is the right thing to happen. I met with the new doctor just yesterday and found even more. The baby is sideways and in the worst position for any delivery. Even with c-section, it's more difficult to pull her out because they'll be coming in at her back. However, this doctor had more of those deliveries during his residency than any others. Glucose also showed up in my urine for the first time, but he wasn't worried about it since we're delivering soon. He even made the comment that maybe it was a good thing my doctor left. I got the feeling that he too felt it was meant to be this way. I liked him very much and spent an hour with him! He even asked if he could pray for us before he left the room, which I have never had a doctor do.

I now feel 100% sure this is the way it is supposed to be. We chose tomorrow for the big day. Eric & I have to be there at 5 a.m., and the c-section is scheduled for 7 a.m. My midwife will be there, and my doula is going with us but probably won't be in on the delivery. They recently changed things and now allow the baby in recovery with me to nurse right away, so I am SO happy about that. I really haven't felt nervous or unsure about it at all since then. I'm ready, and ready to meet our baby. My only concerns are those that go with any surgery.. I just hope and pray that things go well and that there are no problems with me or her.

So that's the plan! We'll be a family of 5 at this time tomorrow! Any prayers would definitely be appreciated.

Valentine's, Induction Option

Valentine's Day was earlier this week. Eric had to work open to close, so I mostly spent it with the kids! With everything going on, I kind of forgot about it until last minute, so we didn't do anything too elaborate. I cut toast into hearts for breakfast, and we made a heart-shaped homemade pizza together for dinner. Aeson & I did get to take lunch to Eric, and he gave me a dozen pretty roses when we met him. I really think Valentine's Day is mostly a waste of money, but it does make you think about those who are special to you too. Oh, and I got to hear "Happy Valentime's, Mommy" all day long. :)

I had my 38 week doctor's appointment on Wednesday, and I'm super glad Eric was able to go with me. I'd gained TWO pounds this week! I think I'm putting on weight faster now than I have the whole pregnancy! My blood pressure and all that were still good. I was still only dilated to a 1. The doctor said he was going to come back to talk to us, and I got nervous! When he came back, he said he has absolutely no problem doing VBAC's, but the hospital does because it costs them more money to call in surgery and have them there the whole time - when it happens after hours. So, he said THEY wanted him to ask if I would consider being induced, so it would happen during the day when they're already there and if so, they would do it on Tuesday at 6 a.m. He said not to decide then, but he wanted to see me on Monday and I could let him know then. He did also mention briefly concern about the baby getting bigger and why she's not dropping down (he really thought I would have her by now).. If she can't for some reason, we won't know that until we try to have her.

I was disappointed when we left.. I really didn't want to be faced with such a decision. Part of me thought it'd be great to just have her here, and it would make lots of things easier to plan if we knew when it was going to happen.. But, our midwife that we left only because the hospital refuses to allow VBAC's had always said one of the three big no-no's with VBAC's is induction. I also knew that the doctor my sister is going to (also hoping for a VBAC) will absolutely not induce VBAC's, and I've read countless studies that it increases your risk for rupture. I had brought this up to our doctor, but he said he doesn't believe it does. He has had 3 ruptures occur - One occurred before the woman got to the hospital.. He made it seem like she possibly wasn't even a patient of his & said she had not told anyone she was having contractions, etc. Anyway, she was pregnant with twins, one died, they worked hard to save her, and the other baby ended up dying 6 months later. The other two ruptures were small holes they caught in labor, though, and the moms and babies were fine. I didn't ask if they had been induced, but he did say he has regularly induced VBAC's.

Making the decision bothered me a lot that night. I didn't sleep well and kept imagining the worst. I was, and still am, afraid that if I refuse, I may not be able to have a VBAC at all & it's too late to find a different doctor now.. and also that c-section will be pushed for.

By the next day, I felt like there was no way I could do it. My body is showing no signs of labor yet. When I was given pitocin with Westen, I had had signs for weeks and my water had broken, so I feel like he and I were ready. I don't feel like that's the case with this pregnancy. There's varying studies about the increased chance of rupture, but my main reason for not is simply because I think it's better that my body go into labor on its own - both for me and for the baby.

I also called our midwife and left a message with the nurse. I wasn't sure if she would tell me her advice since I'm no longer a patient of hers, but she actually called me back herself just a couple of hours later & we ended up talking for like ten minutes! She said she would absolutely not, under any circumstances, induce a VBAC, especially at 39 weeks. She said a lot more, and I told her we trusted her opinion over anyone else's. I'd figured that's what she would say, but it was good to talk to her about it. Her recommendation was to go for a VBAC if I go into labor on my own, not induce, do a sonogram at 41 weeks to look at fluid and things if I make it that far, and then if everything still looks okay, not to do anything until 42 weeks, when they would do a repeat c-section if I still have not gone into labor.

So, that's what we're going with. That's what we feel comfortable with, and we will be telling him on Monday. I'm hoping he takes it well. It makes me so nervous! I just can't do something I don't feel comfortable doing, though. I trust my body, and my baby to come when she's ready. And if she doesn't, I think I will feel much more comfortable with the possibility of a repeat c-section at 41 weeks plus. Please cross your fingers the doctor is okay with this.. or more so, the hospital.

Since then, I've gotten actually kind of angry that they would even present this.. Why make things harder on me and the baby and force something just because it's more convenient for you? Or costs you less money? It's very frustrating. I'm so thankful to have Eric and my doula for support.

Also since then, I've tried just about everything to start labor! I was hoping if I went before Monday, I wouldn't have to make the decision or face him with it. I honestly didn't (and still don't) see that happening, though. When he said Tuesday, I felt like even then it just wasn't time yet. Anyway, I've tried pineapple (tons and tons of it!), onion rings (a local story), caffeine, walks, squats/duck walking, and evening primrose oil capsules. It does seem I've had more and a little stronger contractions than I was having, but that's about it.

I also remembered that I couldn't even remember my exact dates and my first doctor had wanted to move back the due date by a couple of days. I know it's not that much of a difference, but still I may not be quite as far along as I think I am. I keep reminding myself too that even though I went early with Westen, most people go right around their due date. And who knows how long I would have gone with Aeson.

So anyway, I'm feeling really pretty good, and I'm 100% sure about our plan.. I just hope the doctor allows that to be our plan.

False alarm!

I guess not feeling well wasn't a sign of anything! I've felt perfectly fine since Monday. I had my 37 week appointment on Wednesday and was still dilated to a 1. I was a little disappointed since I'd had so many regular contractions over the weekend and had felt so crappy. I was hoping she was on her way! Anyway, it gave me a chance to talk to the doctor about the internal monitoring. He does NOT require the thing that goes on/slightly into her head, only the thing that goes inside the uterine wall. He said I'll still be able to move around with it, and he was perfectly fine with waiting until my water broke on its own. I was so thankful for that!

I continue to be scared about birth.. actually more like terrified! I wake up every night thinking about it and really wish I could just feel at peace. The chances are SO low that anything would happen, but still SOMEONE has to be in those tiny percentages. Part of me never wants the birth to come, and part of me wants to get it over with so I can stop worrying about it!

***

Updates on the boys:

Aeson: I absolutely love his age right now! He gets so excited about everything! He jumps up and down when he's really excited or really angry. He repeats questions about things that are really important to him, like saying "Can we? Can we?" or "Please, please, please!" His latest phrase that he likes saying is "Not fair!" He is absolutely amazing at video games too, which I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing! You would never believe it was a 2 year old playing. He also had his sonogram and bloodwork done this past week. We talked about it before, and he kept saying "noooo" - that he didn't want to go & didn't want it done. We took the DS, and I suppose it helped with the sono somewhat. He did okay for that, but he cried when they took his blood. It breaks my heart! Even as we were walking in, he said he was scared. :( He's definitely able to remember it all and vocalize his feelings about it now.. I don't want him to grow up, but I can't wait until he can understand that it's for a good reason.

Westen: Westen lost his first tooth this week!! He was so excited to show us when we picked him up from school. He said he was eating a carrot when it came out, and he hadn't even felt it! I really can't believe how old he's getting.. I look at him and think he's going to be 13 before I realize it! We picked out his valentine's for school yesterday (he chose ones that fold into paper airplanes!). We'll be getting those ready & doing more cleaning and organizing this weekend, since Daddy works all weekend!

Pre-labor?

Two days from being 37 weeks!

I've been feeling very crappy (for lack of a better word!) since Saturday. Very, very crampy. My back hurts really bad, and I feel nauseous off and on. Saturday evening, I had regular contractions (mostly about every 4-5 minutes.. some as few as 2 min's apart and some as far as 7 min's apart) for a couple of hours. They never got worse, though, so I went to bed and figured I'd wake up if they got worse. I did actually wake up several times that night, but I'm not sure why. The morning was okay yesterday but by afternoon, the cramps had started again. We went to my sister's for the Superbowl and by the time we left there, I was really feeling pretty good and normal again. Slept well last night with no problems. This morning once I was up doing things, it started again. I haven't had any other symptoms that indicate she's coming soon, but I honestly can't imagine feeling like this for too long! I talked to my doula, and she thinks I'm in in pre-labor. I remember feeling crampy each evening for just a few days before Westen came, but I don't remember it being this bad. Maybe I've just forgotten! Either way, I don't think labor is too far off.. We'll see, though. From what I've read, pre-labor can last days or even weeks. Eric's been wonderful about doing things for me when I really don't feel well and rubbing my back. I still can't stop myself from doing things around the house, though. Nesting is the weirdest thing! I've been cleaning things I NEVER clean.. It's just so weird how such random things can pop into your head- and it will continue to bother me until I do it! All of this going on has made it pretty difficult to focus on school! My next appointment is on Wednesday afternoon, so we'll see what I find out then.

I wanted to make note (if I haven't already) of one of my favorite phrases of Aeson's right now.. Multiple times a day, he'll give me a hug or rest his head on me and say "You're the best ever." He's also spoken to my tummy a couple of times saying "You're the best ever too, Aubryn." He's such a sweetheart.