Things I want to remember!

Things that I want to remember...

As frustrating as it has been and even though words like boot camp and Super Nanny have come out, I want to remember (if not only to remind him when he has kids! lol) all the things Aeson has been up to the last couple of weeks. He's shut off my crockpot while dinner was cooking in it (I wasn't sure when or how long it was off!), took his pullup off and peed all over my comforter (after just washing it the day before!), he's colored on our floor and table with permanent marker (it was put up.. but then he found Grandma & Grandpa's and colored on their countertop!), hit his brother in the face with a toy golf club, colored on his wall (thank GOODNESS for Magic Erasers!), put tons of toilet paper (even two rolls once) in our toilet and Grandma & Grandpa's-- which he then proceeded to get out and throw away!, deliberately pour his juice on the floor, dump cereal and crackers on the floor and smash them all up with his feet, he tears all of his brother's important drawings up and off the walls where Westen has decorated with, tore the chore chart in half (after coloring all over it), the list goes on and on! I'm honestly not sure what's normal two year old, little brother behavior and what's indicative of future problematic behavior! If he's looking for more attention, it's even more difficult to give it to him because I'm then busier cleaning up all his messes! I can remember a couple of things Westen did (like climbing all the way in the toilet and dumping a shake all over himself and his car seat), but nothing ever like this. I'm not exactly sure what to do with him. His mind is busy, busy, busy!

On the other hand, he can be really super sweet. I love all of his sayings. The other day, Bentley got here and he said, "Hi Bentley! Did you get a hair cut?" It was so cute that he'd noticed! He really plays well with other kids.. he discusses sharing and taking turns with them, and you can tell he enjoys it. He's also super sweet to his sissy - has never done one bad thing to her, and the only bad thing he's said was that she's not cute when she cries! He always wants to see her, always gives her kisses and hugs, and is so concerned someone is going to take her or we're going to forget her!

For Aubryn, things I want to remember about this time.. All her rolls! How she sleeps for hours at a time in her carseat or swing, how she really never cries (she never has when being put in her car seat or going for walks or when put down at all.. so unlike Acey was!), how different she nurses (she gets the job done versus the boys who wanted to hang out all day nursing!, how she studies my face, and how she never really went through a newborn stage (she never cried constantly, couldn't focus, crossed her eyes, etc), and how much she loves outdoors.

Westen.. How the first thing he does when he gets home is sit down to draw! (and will spend hours doing so), how he throws every paper away after he makes even the slightest error, how he thinks he met the REAL Spiderman at school the other day, that church days are his favorite at school, how hot days are too much for him & he's for sure going to be my pickiest eater I'm sure!, how sensitive and caring he is, how much he interrupts me while doing homework to discuss Mario, and how much he can make Aeson & Bentley CRAZY!

As trying as this time in my life is, I know I will miss this!

Stresssssed

I don't like being an adult!

Actually, I do like it; I just don't like all the responsibility that comes with it.

I got sick this weekend - the most sick I've been in a long time. After lying in bed with Aubryn all day (and the boys destroying the house.. Eric was at work) and feeling almost delirious from my fever (I couldn't stay awake, couldn't concentrate, and was alternating between feeling like I was in a frozen body of water and burning from a fire), Eric was THANKFULLY able to come home while I ran to convenient care. I had a fever of 103 & my strep test came back positive. Eric had to go back to work right when I got home, so I was forced to get all the kids out (I didn't even trust myself driving really!) to go get my medicine fifteen minutes later. It's rough being a mom and being sick.

The medicine kicked in fairly quickly, but I really think this all came about from being too stressed and not taking care of myself. Eric's been working over 50 hours a week.. Last week, he was there two hours later than he was supposed to be not once, or twice, but THREE times. It makes it hard to plan, hard to count on him, and leaves a lot up to me. I'm having trouble finding the time or concentrating on my classes. I'm still doing well, but I'll be glad when the semester's over.

I'm mostly stressing about school in the fall, though. If things are the way they currently are, there's no way we can do it. Nursing school is extremely hard, and we keep hearing horror stories everywhere we go. The dad has to take up a lot of the responsibility and with Eric working as much as he is, I just don't see how that's going to be possible. I hear other students talking about how they were up all night studying and working, and that worries me. I'm going to breastfeed Aubryn as long as I possibly can, and there's no question about that. I'm worried about how it all will work. I want to do it, and I keep telling myself it's only four semesters, BUT I just cannot let it interfere so much that I'm not able to nurse her or have time with my family. Not to mention babysitting.. I'm so much more protective of Aubryn because she's a girl.. and Aeson hasn't been to daycare since he was four months old & does  not want to go. I absolutely do not want them in daycare, but I don't think we can get around it. Eric's boss has said he could have two weekdays off, but then when will I do my homework if he's gone the rest of the week?? It's pretty much impossible to get much done with three kids - Right now, I do it all on Eric's days off. Then Eric's mom has said she would help occasionally, but that still leave 1-2 days a week we don't have anyone.. and she lives out of town, so weather could always affect that. I'm also worried about what happens when one of my babies is sick.. I know they would want to be with their momma, and it would break my heart not to be with them.

I'm going to do it someday, no matter what. I'm still hoping and planning to start in the fall, but if I can't, I can't. I can always get a nighttime job or something opposite of Eric and go back to school when they're all in school. It would mean re-taking a lot of these classes and possibly not having a mentor for my master's degree, but if I don't have a choice, that will have to be what I do.

I'm trying not to stress.. It's just hard figuring it all out. It seems impossible right now.

Crazy Life!

Life is CRAZY with three kids! Some updates...

Aubryn was 12lbs,6.5oz and 24 inches at her 1 month checkup (98th and 96th percentiles, I think it was!).

Aeson loves giving her cuddles, he says "she's so cute" just as often as Westen now, and he's always so worried that someone is going to take her!

Aeson's been quite the handful lately, creating messes everywhere. He makes life significantly more busy! He's so darling when he tells me he loves me or that I'm the best.. or, my favorite, when he says "Happy Birthday!" I think he thinks it's something similar to "I love you." :)

Westen's a huge help and still drawing all the time. He's been very interested in Jesus lately. I love that he knew and understood (as much as a 6 year old can) what Easter was really about this year. Kids make holidays so much more enjoyable and meaningful.

Aubryn's been smiling over the last couple of weeks, almost solely at me. I have captured a couple on camera. Daddy has yet to get one! She's been awake more and growing like crazy. We've moved up to size 2 diapers and she's almost ready for 3-6 month clothes! I absolutely love having a baby girl.

I had my 6 week checkup today & all looks good. I have 6 more pounds to lose. The good news is I can start exercising now!

Classes are going.. It's hard to find the time for homework, but I do. Less than 4 weeks left! Speaking of, I got into both Spoon & WIU's nursing programs. I had a hard time deciding but gathered all the information I could and decided on WIU. I'm excited but also nervous. I hope I don't miss out on too much with my babies.

First day back to normal & since then

Well, that first day back to school and work didn't go so well! Looking back now, I realize I just put too much stuff on my plate! I went to class.. didn't do well on the test. I'm not meaning to boast, but I always do well in school. I study hard & know my stuff. Well, there was ONE thing I wasn't sure about & hadn't studied well (probably from missing class) and OF COURSE that one thing ended up being like 30 points of matching things. I cried when I left! I was so upset that I even left the baby, that I even took the test when she said I didn't have to.. all of that just for a bad grade! It's really not THAT bad, because we do get to drop one test, so I'm sure this will be the one I use! We also usually get to correct them for half the points. Anyway, Aubryn was getting fussy when I got home, which worried me since that was a short day! Aubryn also went through MANY outfits that day, something she never does! We then headed out to get pictures taken that evening, and I got lost on the way! An hour later, I finally got there. They did all the pics diaper-less, which meant many messes on their stuff! (and me constantly wiping her!) I also kept trying to feed her to get her to go to sleep, but she never would! (She was ALWAYS sleeping at this point in time) I got home much later than planned, and I was beyond exhausted at that point.

Since then, things have been much better! I went to class again that week, and Aubryn stayed asleep the entire time, plus over an hour once I got home. Then we had Spring Break, so I don't go back until this Monday.

We had my two week checkup this past Monday. I'd lost another 4 pounds, leaving me at 10 left. I think those will be the hardest!! Everything looked great, and they weighed Aubryn too. She was just shy of 11 lbs!!! I couldn't believe it. I was guessing 10. I've already had to put away her newborn clothing and move up to size 1 diapers. I talked to my midwife about the schools she went to, as that is my ultimate goal. She didn't start school until she was 35, so stories like that always give me hope! I already feel so old! She also said that she would love to be my mentor if I do become a midwife.. I just have to do it within the next 9 years, because she's retiring then! I was so happy she offered to do this! I can't think of someone better to work with/learn from. I started looking into schools when I got home, and it was all pretty confusing. Each one requires different things, and some of the things are long processes. We'll see!

Aubryn is still a wonderful baby. I think everyone in our families is in love with her! Westen continues to come in and see her every morning when he wakes up, and he still says "she's so cute!" every single day! Aeson also says she's cute or beautiful, and he pats her or gives her hugs. One day last week, he did try to pick her up from the Boppy she was lying in! I was checking to see how clean their room was, and I came back out to him trying to hold her! Thank goodness she didn't fall or anything! I definitely learned that I can't leave them alone for even a second! Aeson just kept saying "but I want to hold her!" :) Sweet boy.

Aeson also had a big first this week - He stayed all night with Eric's parents, along with Westen. Westen had already planned to go, and I got to thinking that I really thought Aeson was old enough too and would start feeling left out. He loves to go places too, because he's always at home! So, we asked him & he wanted to go! They were okay with trying it too, so they picked both of them up in the afternoon. Aeson went just fine, and slept all night that night. They said he did great!

Our First Week Home

Don't have time for an in-depth update, but here are the highlights from our first week at home with baby girl:

Took Aubryn for her first appointment with the pediatrician on Monday. She had been 7lbs, 10oz when we left the hospital and was already up to 8lbs, 3 oz at her appointment! (She was 8lbs, 5oz at birth) Her color has remained great & no signs of jaundice. I credit that to the delayed cord clamping, especially since both my boys had it!

Aubryn has continued to sleep a lot & only cry when she's undressed! I usually can get her fed before she begins crying but sometimes she will if I have to change her diaper first! She continues to be a GREAT baby.. part of that too, though, I think is that Eric & I are more confident in our parenting choices & we know what works for us!

We took all three kids to the movie The Lorax. It was Aeson's first theater movie! They all did great. Westen and Aeson both loved it, Aeson sat through all but the last 15 minutes (and then he just stood in front of his seat & sat on the aisle step next to us), and Aubryn slept through it all (cuddled up to me in the Moby :)).

Aeson finally held Aubryn a couple days after we got home. He's held her a couple of times since, and he often pats her or kisses her and says "she's so nice!" So far, no signs of jealousy or any change of behavior!

Holy hormones! I have been so teary just randomly this week! I've cried because I love her so much, because she turned out so perfect, because I don't want to go back to school, even because she was asleep in the swing & I wished I was holding her.

I had my first postpartum visit at a week after. The doctor took my staples out & put steri-strips on, while also giving me another steroid injection to stop it from keloiding. I found out that he used a thing called an Alexis-O during surgery.. They used to use them on obese patients and then found that people were healing much faster and in much less pain, so they've started using them on regular people. That must be one reason I've felt so great! Beyond that first day, I really haven't been in much pain at all, and I was down to taking 1 dose of pain meds but just a few days after (have now taken none for the last few days). I kept thinking "I can't believe I had surgery two days ago," "I can't believe I had surgery 1 week ago," etc.. I definitely recommend asking about this if any of my readers have to have a c-section! I also talked to him about multiple c-sections. While we don't want to have any more children for a long time (not until I'm done with school and working at the LEAST) and we may not want any more (especially financially and due to all the worry that goes along with it), I do have to admit one of the things I felt worst about with choosing to have this c-section was the fact that each one means more risks with future pregnancies. He said the risk is really just the scar rupturing and with each scar, you have a 2% increase in that happening. It will definitely be something we'll have to think long & hard about when the time comes. He did say my first scar looked "good and this one looks better." He ended up doing three layers of stitching (they sometimes do one & always do two if the person may have a future pregnancy). I had also lost 20 pounds at that appointment, which means 14 more to go!

We also took goody baskets filled with candy, chocolate, popcorn, and trail mix to the doctor, the surgery staff, and our OB nurses, along with thank you cards.

Eric goes back to work tomorrow, and I go back to school. Crossing my fingers all goes well!

Aubryn's Birth Story

Thursday, we were so, so busy running around trying to get everything ready for the birth and the days after. That night, I slept well until 1:30 a.m. but then woke up to go to the bathroom and couldn't get back to sleep after that. I got on the computer and finally started getting ready, since we were getting up at 3:30 a.m. anyway. The boys had a sleepover in our room that night, sleeping on lots of blankets on our floor, and they both woke up while we were getting things ready so we moved them up in our bed. Mom got here at 4:15 and we gathered all our stuff and left for Carthage. I drove, because Eric driving makes me too nervous! I swear, he's about gotten us in accidents the last several times he drove! I was already nervous anyway and it was sleeting/snowing (which makes me more nervous :)), so we took our time and got there just after 5 a.m. My eyes filled with tears before we got out of the van, because I was really pretty scared. I didn't want to go in but knew I had to.

Someone in ER checked us in, and I studied the board with all the names of who was on call for surgery, cardio, anesthesia, etc, knowing those would be the people we soon saw. We were walked to OB next and taken to our room. It was HUGE! The hospital is new and everything is so modern and beautifully decorated. Our room had so much room, a kitchen area (with fridge, microwave, and sink), and a huge bathroom with a shower/whirlpool bath. I changed into my gown and laid down to get monitored. Our nurse came on at 5:30 a.m. and we ended up having the same two nurses (an RN for me, named Katy & an LPN for the baby, named Ashley) each day we were there - from 5:30 a.m. to 6 p.m. They were AMAZING. The only problem we had was my IV - She was unable to get it after two sticks, so she had a nurse from surgery come (who was equally as amazing) & she got it right away.

We were disappointed to realize we got no cell phone service there. We could pick up wi-fi to get on facebook and the internet but couldn't call or text anyone, nor could we receive them. The phone in the room could only call locally too, but they did give us the number & Eric soon got that to everyone so they could call us. Our doula got there and my dad not long after. The anesthesiologist came in (Mike) and explained everything he was going to do, what I was going to feel, and all that I could expect when I went back to surgery. He was incredibly nice and showed me how to do everything, even getting down & sitting on the floor! He discussed the risks, which scared me more than anything, but I knew he had to. The doctor came in during all of this too and prayed for us before heading out. That definitely made me feel more calm, but I still felt like I just wanted to go home at this point.

The in-between is a blur. I'm sure I was probably too scared to remember anything! I think they wheeled me to surgery, leaving my dad in the waiting room and Eric right outside of surgery. As soon as we passed through the doors and I saw the operating room, I started crying. I was just so overwhelmed and scared.. so many thoughts and feelings going through me. Everyone was completely amazing, though, comforting me, holding/rubbing my hand, saying all sorts of positive things. I seriously cannot say enough good things about the staff there. I couldn't IMAGINE any better, and I seriously wouldn't believe it if someone said anywhere else in the WORLD was better than there.

I sat on the table, just like Mike had told me to, and he began to feel my back. The spinal went very well. I was shaking throughout all of it, just from fear. He told me afterwards he was "like oh no" when he first saw my back because of my scoliosis, but once he felt it, he knew it would be fine. I laid down then and started feeling warm and tingly. My fears went away then.. I think that was what I'd been most scared of and now that it was over and working, I felt calm again. They prepped me and then brought Eric in. Now he was the one incredibly nervous! He kept asking me if I was okay. My blood pressure dropped just once, to the point of feeling a little weird, but Mike quickly gave me something to boost it & I was back to feeling normal.

The c-section seemed to take forever. I was extremely glad the doctor was taking his time and doing things carefully, but at the same time, I just wanted it over. They told us she had lots of long hair and told Eric to get his camera ready. She also HAD turned head down, which I was incredibly thankful for. I'd gone to the chiro the day before and done lots of praying that she'd turn in some way that would make it easier. They still had to do lots of pushing and pulling and after a couple of tries ended up using the vacuum to get her out. She immediately started screaming her little head off and continued to. Eric and I both started crying. It was so beautiful to hear after hearing only one little cry when Aeson came out.

Aubryn was taken over to be checked out and Eric went with her. He got to cut the cord there (they did do delayed cord clamping, even with the c-section). He took tons of pictures and the doctor joked that she already had a facebook page. Eric showed me all the pictures and they brought her over to me. Mike (who had been incredibly comforting the whole time, telling me I was in the top 5% of patients he'd had-- to which Lila, our midwife, added that I'd been one of her favorites too :)) even said something about getting the baby right up next to me for skin to skin, and got us in position for a couple of photos. Eric and the baby then went to our room, while they finished me up. I was taken to recovery, where Eric got to visit me, then our doula, and finally the baby was brought in for more skin to skin. She'd gotten some with daddy as well & had tried to nurse on him! I really wasn't there long & as soon as I got to my room, the nurses got Aubryn latched on to nurse. She took to it like a complete pro!

Aubryn was born at 7:38 a.m. and she weighed 8 lbs, 5 oz and was 21 inches long. She was completely perfect in every way.

Dad left after seeing both of us. Niki, Hodge & Jalane, and Mom visited us while in the hospital.

Westen & Aeson got to meet her that afternoon. Aeson didn't (and hasn't) really paid attention to her at all. He's given her a couple of kisses but isn't interested in holding her. He smiles if you pretend she's talking to him or kissing him, and he smiled when he saw her nursing. (I wasn't sure what he'd think of that!) Westen is extremely proud of her and completely in love! I think he's said "she's so cute!" a million times! He wanted to hold her constantly, and he comforts her when she cries.

She really has been an excellent baby so far. She slept a lot the first night. The second night, she wanted held more. She really only cries when she's naked and fusses when she's hungry. We're just in love with her! I wish time could stand still. I know it goes by way too quickly when they're this little.

The first night, they had me up to walk and I started crying it hurt so bad. I couldn't even take a step. They gave me more pain medicine and I tried after a while longer and then was able to walk down the hall and back. That night I could just tell I felt so much better and by the time I woke up, I really felt pretty good. I was up to walk that morning and then really up ever since then. Everyone said how great I was doing, and I was really amazed too. I really haven't had much pain at all. Nothing at ALL like the first c-section. I still take it easy, of course, and am not up for long periods of time, but there's just none of the stinging and horrible pain like there was last time. Even the ride home was perfectly fine! We left after 48 hours there and have been doing well at home since.

Aubryn had her first doctor's appointment today, and she was up to 8lbs, 3 oz. She'd been 7lbs, 10 oz when we left the hospital. Everything is really going perfectly, and I just wish I could stay in this moment forever!

February 24

What a week!

Monday, we had our doctor's appointment. Everything looked good, and the doctor was fine with no induction.. however, I was still only 1 cm, 50% thinned, and he couldn't feel the baby's head. I asked him about the foley balloon and stripping membranes to induce labor, and he said he "moved" my membranes that day and that he didn't think he could get the foley balloon through the opening in the cervix at this point. He said he was unsure I would be having her vaginally the way things looked, and he didn't expect me to go into labor on my own in the next two weeks. He had me make my appointment for next week with his partner, because he was going to be gone.

I had known a friend who worked at this hospital and remembered her telling me NOT to go to his partner, so I quickly got ahold of her and found out more details. Afterwards, neither Eric nor I felt comfortable going into labor with this person as the doctor. At ALL. I hoped that I would just go within the week, before my doctor left.

The next morning, I called the office to see when he was going to be gone exactly and found out that that was his last day for TWO weeks! I would be 41 weeks by the time he returned. I was so, so upset. I cried at having to be in this situation, at not trusting the doctor (especially in a serious situation if something would happen), and mostly at feeling like I had to give up on the VBAC that I wanted. I had not wanted another c-section at all, and I had done so much praying, talking to my body and the baby, and just plain wishing and hoping that things would happen so I didn't have to.

After crying and talking to my family, I called our midwife we had previously to see what I should do about transferring back there. They called back to say the doctor she works with is on vacation until Tuesday, and they wanted me to see the other doctor because they'd want to deliver before then. This was upsetting as well, because we had already met (and liked) the one doctor and had not met the other. My sister was also put on strict bedrest that day, and I worried these two things were maybe signs that we shouldn't proceed with the c-section.. that I should just wait it out (and therefore be available to my sister). My midwife actually called that evening, and it was a relief to talk to her. She was disappointed for me and felt the system was failing me, but she was also happy to have us back and said that she definitely trusts this doctor and thought we would like him even more than the other. I thought it was wonderful that she called me at 8:30 at night just to talk about this stuff, without me even calling her. I seriously love her and the hospital there more than I can say.

I felt more comfortable with our decision after grieving about it for that bit of time. I, and my family, felt there are signs showing us this is the right thing to happen. I met with the new doctor just yesterday and found even more. The baby is sideways and in the worst position for any delivery. Even with c-section, it's more difficult to pull her out because they'll be coming in at her back. However, this doctor had more of those deliveries during his residency than any others. Glucose also showed up in my urine for the first time, but he wasn't worried about it since we're delivering soon. He even made the comment that maybe it was a good thing my doctor left. I got the feeling that he too felt it was meant to be this way. I liked him very much and spent an hour with him! He even asked if he could pray for us before he left the room, which I have never had a doctor do.

I now feel 100% sure this is the way it is supposed to be. We chose tomorrow for the big day. Eric & I have to be there at 5 a.m., and the c-section is scheduled for 7 a.m. My midwife will be there, and my doula is going with us but probably won't be in on the delivery. They recently changed things and now allow the baby in recovery with me to nurse right away, so I am SO happy about that. I really haven't felt nervous or unsure about it at all since then. I'm ready, and ready to meet our baby. My only concerns are those that go with any surgery.. I just hope and pray that things go well and that there are no problems with me or her.

So that's the plan! We'll be a family of 5 at this time tomorrow! Any prayers would definitely be appreciated.