Random thoughts

Aeson started waving this week. He's also made progress on the crawling and while he can't yet get up on all fours or move forward, he does scoot backward. :) He's tried some new (more 'adult') foods this week and isn't sure about a lot of the textures. He's currently dancing to music on the tv and shaking a rattle.. I love him!

Had a LLL meeting this week. I always learn so much from them, and I enjoy seeing the other moms and their babies! I'm definitely getting used to caring for so many children, but I *SO* miss adult interaction! Most moms there said they lost most their weight the second year of breastfeeding.. I certainly hope that's true for me! (Well, they said it was just more gradual the first year and then really came off the second) Eric gets frustrated with my negative self-view, but I just want my body back!

I'm not sure how long I'll nurse. Aeson still relies on it so much.. It will be very hard to break him! (And it will break my heart too, I'm sure!) He still nurses through the night, so my cycle has yet to return. It's been nice having it gone for 18 months!

I've changed so much from Westen to Aeson. I didn't stick with breastfeeding (didn't ask for help), gave immunizations, and let him cry when it came to Westen. I feel so bad about all of that! I'm proud of successfully nursing Aeson (I've learned so much about formula!!), I'm SO strongly against vaccinations now that I've done the research, and I *never* let Aeson cry. It's so weird how little ole me (the same person) could be so different in just the span of a few years. It's making me question nearly everything and not really believe fully in anything anymore, because it seems that I find out contradictory stuff all the time.

Speaking of changing, while cleaning my room the other day I came across letters and cards from my prior relationship (marriage if you want to call it that). It's so strange how I barely even remember that as MY life.. just doesn't seem real. It still brought tears to my eyes, knowing how strongly I felt and the things I believed then. I saved a few of them, just so Westen can know he was conceived by people who really did at least think they loved each other.

Time to feed baby!

Acey poo poo loo

I need to write more often! I can't remember even a fraction of what has happened by the time I get on here.

Eric started his new job, and it's not going too badly. He likes it. I don't too much care for him not getting home until 7pm (as we eat dinner and then go to bed since Aeson's ready!), but it is nice having him home in the mornings to help and having that time between 5:30-7 to get things done around here and just enjoy the kids myself. That was one long sentence.

Daycare is going pretty well. The hardest time is when Aeson is nursing.. Luckily he doesn't take long, but it's hard to keep up with the other kids while I'm doing that. I've been doing it for a little over 3 months and I'm learning the whole time!

Aeson is 8 months old now. He still isn't crawling, but he rolls over every time he's laid down now and certainly tries very hard. He bounces up and down and claps when he sees me or Eric. I've been trying to teach him sign language but now he just uses clapping for everything! Haha. He just recently has started making "mum mum" noises and laughing when we laugh. He's laughed AT things for a long time (and is VERY ticklish!) but now it's so cute to hear him laugh just because we are. He's a wonderful child and is getting SO big. He's in 18-24 month clothes. He eats crackers and little puff things.. Doesn't do real well with real food, though. He barely eats any food for breakfast or lunch but will typically eat most of a jar for dinner. He absolutely refuses cereal and meat, which unfortunately is where he's supposed to be getting a lot of nutrients! Last time we went to the doc, she said it was still fine because he was getting everything he needs from me, but I would expect that would start to change as he gets older. I don't think we'll need to worry about his size, though! :) He just recently got his second ear infection. :( Everyone in the daycare had horrible coughs and runny noses and I guess he got it from that. It still seems to be bothering him. I can't wait until he's feeling better and back to my normal, happy baby.

Westen is getting SO big. I can't even believe how old he is. He's good most of the time, but we've had some difficulty with him being mouthy already! I love his help with the daycare, because he always tells me if somebody's going to do something they shouldn't. He's a huge help and the babies LOVE him. They all smile at him. :) It's so hard having two kids, because since I had Aeson I feel like I'm harder on Westen, expect more out of him, and don't have as much time for him. I'm sure if I feel like that, he does too. Your whole view just changes, though, and the older sibling IS the one who should know better, etc. I just have to try hard to remember he's still just a little boy. A lot of things will change too once Aeson becomes more independent of me, I think. He is so attached that we can never leave him for more than just a very short time. Eventually, we'll be able to give each of the boys their own time. It sort of scares me for having more kids, though! I want a big family, but I know issues like this will get harder with each one!

Being home and Acey being so needy has been good for us, though.. We've been able to bond in a way that I don't think we were quite able to, as he was whisked away at birth and then in NICU for 10 days, with me barely being able to hold him the first several days. I can't even remember that time in our lives without getting tearful. It still affects me greatly.

We're considering moving! More on this later... :)

Change is coming

Eric got a new job.

I'm frustrated!

Not sure how I'm going to handle all the kids alone now more days than not.

Still no insurance. Lesser pay but guaranteed days. Later hours.. later home.. Aeson goes to bed early.. less time with the kids. Still working Saturdays- but getting off earlier. Still driving.

Not sure how Westen's going to go to preschool in the fall now, as the three days he would attend were going to be the days Eric wouldn't work.. but now Eric will be at work and there's no way I can load up all the daycare kids just to pick Westen up.

Westen's had LOTS of attitude lately. Lots. He needs school. Needs to get out of the house for a bit!

My only sister, her husband, and my new nephew are moving 4 hours away.

It's been a bad week.

On the positive side... I've gotten the entire house cleaned today and we're going shopping for summer clothes for the boys tomorrow. I hope things change by August.

Sick!

On Tuesday, one of the daycare kids developed a temperature, was hardly eating, looked like he didn't feel well, and had some nasty diapers. I let the mom know, but since his fever wasn't over 100 (which I specified as not being allowed to be here in my rulebook), I didn't send him home. Mom brought him back the next morning, even though he was still sleeping (unusual).. apparently had no temp that morning. He didn't eat much breakfast and still looked unwell, so I took his temp a while later and again he had one- still not over 100, though. It was in the 99's, though. I gave him Tylenol and informed his mom who did come a couple hours early.

As soon as she left, I started vomiting. And continued to vomit every half hour for the next 6 hours. Well after there was anything even left TO vomit. I've never been so sick in my life. I woke up that night to Westen vomiting and then later Eric started. My sister texted to say she and her husband were too. My sister-in-law was also. Found out the next day another daycare child was. I feel soooo bad now that everyone got it from here. I have definitely learned and am going to strongly enforce from now on that if a child has ANY signs of illness, they are not allowed or are going to be sent home immediately. It was horrible to go through it. I've lost 10 lbs in just two days. I just now ate for the first time. I'm really worried about my milk supply, but from what I've read, it will come back.

I've nursed throughout, knowing that Aeson was already exposed to whatever bug we all got. He's definitely been more fussy and actually hasn't wanted to nurse much. That's hard when nursing is usually the key to calming him down! Eric tried to feed him milk from the freezer in a couple of different bottles and he wouldn't have anything to do with it. He's refused bottles since I've been home with him. We've still been feeding him solids, but he didn't even eat much of those. Maybe he's had a touch of the illness.. I'm not sure. He hasn't had any temp or ANY other symptoms- thank GOODNESS! I credit nursing FULLY for that!

Everyone's on the mend now, I think. I've been disinfecting like crazy. Still pretty weak, though. We're supposed to get nursing photos and some more of Aeson done tomorrow, so I'm hoping we feel up to it!

Updates on my babies (primarily for myself in the future :)) and a couple other items!

There is not a day that goes by without Westen saying 'Aeson is the cutest baby in the whole world' or some variation of him being the cutest. :) It's so funny to me because he as a sibling seems to love him just as much as we parents do. I have a sister that I love very, very much, but I (of course) don't remember being that young. It's adorable.

Aeson has been eating more and more solid foods. He's 7 months now. That means less nursing, which at first made me sad, but I've gotten more used to it now. He likes everything except for the meats and oatmeal. He gags on all the meat lol. That's fine with me, because they look and smell rather disgusting! He LOVES peas and mixed veggies. He's sitting fully on his own now and loves it. He plays all day long and has become a much happier baby. He still hasn't mastered crawling yet.. He gets his upper half lifted up but hasn't quite figured out the leg/butt part. We're still co-sleeping, and I'm not sure there will be an end to that anytime soon. I put him in his crib for naps during the day.. sometimes he wakes right up and sometimes he'll sleep quite a while. He never sleeps much during the day.. It's a rarity if he sleeps an hour. Usually, it's just a 15-30 minute nap here and there. He always wants to go to bed super early, though.. usually about 7:30. He gets quite fussy and will scream at the top of his lungs until we go! He still nurses throughout the night but never wakes up to cry unless we're not in bed with him. He won't sleep in there long without us right there. Last night, in fact, he started fussing because I wasn't close enough, so I moved my arm over and he pulled it in close to his face and fell right back to sleep, with his little arm grasping mine. It was adorable. I've heard to move him before he can call for me (he says 'da' all the time now, but no 'ma' yet!) but I just don't think any of us are ready yet. I've brought it up from time to time and Eric's never been ready either! lol. Still no teeth! No sign of any either! He still has the blondest hair and bluest eyes. All monitoring of his BWS has gone well. We haven't done anymore vaccinations, and I worry about this from time to time. I can't bring myself to do it, but I (of course) wonder if I (we) made the right decision. Aeson loves bathtime and the jumparoo. That's all I can think of to update right now!

Westen has been testing limits more lately. He's also been waking at night more, wanting his tv back on or wanting a drink. His grouchiness may be due to the lack of uninterrupted sleep, but I'm not sure. I'm anxious for him to start preschool actually, because I think it'll be good for him to get out of the house a few days a week. I was mislead by the preschool prices at the private school, though, and quite shocked to see what the tuition is for years following. I'm not sure if we'll be able to do it, but I've decided just to take it year by year and see what happens. I know that we definitely cannot afford it for more than one child, but I believe things will work out how they should by then.

Two weeks ago, I went dress shopping with a friend of mine. She'll be getting married in September and I'm one of the bridesmaids. That was a horrible experience. We all found dresses, but I am extremely unhappy with my post baby body. It's been 7 months too! I should definitely be back to 'normal' by now. The sad thing is that I've lost over 40 lbs too and am back to my pre-pregnancy weight buuut I'd gained already by then (since dating Eric!) and it's just distributed totally differently. I was near tears several times on my way home. :( It's so utterly depressing.

The daycare is stressful but fun. I'm up to four additional children now (besides my own). As stressful as it gets, I was reminded by driving past my old place of employment the other day how much I would hate leaving my children every day.

Well, time for a diaper change, dinner for baby, and bed!

All over the place

There are always so many things to write about, and I rarely find the time to actually write!

It is winter here. Dead winter. I hate it! This winter has seemed to drag on forever and we have had more snow than I think we have ever had. There's been a snow day practically every week since I started the home daycare. I'm MORE than ready for spring-time and summer! I can't wait to smell the freshness of outdoors and be able to go outside to play. I think we're going to try a garden this year too, so I'm excited about that.

I am, however, SO thankful for all the time I'm getting with my kiddos. You really have no idea how much you miss out on until you're home with them. That's the plus side. The negative side is.. I can't wait to get back into school or SOMETHING! This waking up thinking of what I need to clean and do around the house thing is not quite for me. I like doing it.. I love having the time to have a clean house.. and I will never again work outside the home until my kids are in school.. but I NEED something more. Something that stimulates my brain.. makes me think.. challenges me. I've been thinking of picking up new hobbies too.

My anxiety (or that's what I'm calling it anyway) is getting irritating! I just talked to my mom for quite a while about it and hers started this way too. I have thoughts pop into my head almost constantly about bad things happening. There was one primary thing after Westen was born that I worried about ALL the time, but that was it. Since Aeson, it happens ALL the time. I almost envision.. without seeing if that makes sense.. horrible things happening. Like I'll be driving and I'll imagine myself in a crash. Or Westen will be playing near Aeson and I'll imagine him falling on him, hurting him seriously. It's not that I WANT these things to happen.. I would DIE if they ever did. And that's what I think it comes from. I think they're my greatest fears because I have so much now that is SO dear to me. I also know how quickly it can all be over.

I was saddened this week by reading two blog posts. First, I read the beautiful story of a mom having a Down's Syndrome baby and not knowing it until she first saw her. It was beautifully written and reminded me that I am not the only one whose 'plan' changed.. who things happened differently than expected for.. and, of course, it made me feel lucky. Later this week, I read about a childhood case of cancer. That one hit home the most with me, as Aeson is at a much higher risk of developing cancer than average children. It makes me so, so sad for that family and for that little girl. I can't even begin to imagine and I tear up every time I think of it. I've been praying hard for them. This too makes me SO thankful that Aeson's monitoring continues to come back normal. He, in fact, had a sonogram earlier this week and it came back just fine. Thank you God.

So sorry to be all over the place! That's what happens when you don't write regularly!

Bentley

I'm an aunt again! This time it was my only sister, who happens to be one of my best friends! She went in Monday afternoon for her appointment and they found out her blood pressure was really high. My sister is one of the healthiest people I know and has had NO problems throughout the pregnancy.. so it was a complete surprise. There was also protein in her urine, so they thought it was the signs of pre-eclampsia and sent her over for bloodwork and to be monitored. That didn't come back the way they'd like, so they decided to induce her. She was due this coming Saturday anyway and already dilated to a 2. I rushed to the hospital and spent time with her. The minute I left to run home and feed my baby (he's refusing bottles now that I've been home with him!), the doctor came in to check her. She was a 3 and her water broke when he did, but they no longer thought he was head down. Did a sono and it was confirmed that he was breech. They pretty much immediately prepped her for a C-section and I got there in time to give them both my love before they went off to the OR. Minutes later (10:09 p.m.), Bentley Edward was born! We saw him wheeled back by and I quickly snapped my first pictures! We got to see him through the nursery glass after that and Eddie came out to tell us he weighed 8lbs, 1oz and was 20 inches long. We got to see my sister once she got out of recovery, and I got home around midnight. Luckily both babysitting moms were perfectly fine with finding alternative care for the following day. (I hadn't known when I got ahold of them how long Chelsea's labor would be and figured it would be sometime in the middle of the night) Anyway, he is absolutely perfect! Chelsea's blood pressure has remained somewhat elevated but not too bad and not constantly. Bentley has LOTS of hair. I've gotten to hold him every day so far. They get to go home tomorrow, so that will be nice for them! I can't wait to see him in the surroundings that are all made up just for him!

It's so weird seeing my sister as a mother too. Not weird, I guess, just different! It didn't seem like it was that big of a change when I had my own children but it seems like a HUGE change to me that now she has a child!

She's been talking for some time about moving four hours away. I hate it. Can't even stand the thought of it! It's where her husband's family is, but we just spend SO much time with the two (now three!) of them that I can't even imagine. It makes me so sad!