Always indecisive

Aeson's started signing "milk" the last couple of days, but I wasn't sure he really knew what it was until last night. He definitely wanted his momma! It's so amazing watching children grow every day.. and then every day turns into years.. and it's crazy how fast time flies. He also started trying to pull himself up yesterday! I couldn't believe it. He can get his butt up but not quite get into the standing position yet. I'm sure it will be soon! I think he's one intelligent boy. (Of course, I'm sure most parents do! :))

I hate how I have so much trouble making decisions... I contemplate everything and worry about making the 'right' decision. Unfortunately, I'm not sure my husband is much different, so it's a wonder anything gets decided around here period! :)

We took my mom to look at the house we're considering buying the other night. She loves it. That validated my own feelings, but I'm still stuck wondering if it is 'the house'.. if I will like living in that town.. etc, etc. There's so much to think about! We have no other possibilities right now, so our options are this house (and all the work it involves...) and selling our house & possibly renting until we find another house. IF we would find another house. I'm sure we would, but would we like it as much as this one? Would we regret not getting this one? Or would we find a better one and be glad we didn't get this one? Those thoughts are consuming me! And do I even want to live in this town? I've never lived there before, so I have nothing to base it on. The school is right there and there's certain things that are nice (and grandparents that are close!) but there's not a real grocery store.. no Walmart.. we'd have to travel 15 minutes (which isn't that bad).. and while it's closer to Eric's friends, it's further from mine. Hmmm...!

We have been countering offers back and forth all week. They came down a significant amount and have remained at that. We have gone up quite a bit from our original offer and just offered a difference of 5,000 today. We'll see what they do. I still don't expect them to budge.

The other thing that's driving me CRAZY is that we have to get our house ready to put on the market.. Things need touched up, the yard needs cleaned and made to look pretty, our garage needs repained.. But it is darn near impossible to get much done when you run a daycare and have two small children yourself and your husband doesn't get home from the work day until 7pm and works Saturdays. We HAVE to get it ready SOON so we don't lose this house (if it is the one we want!). Ahhh.. why am I so indecisive?!

Well, let me answer that.. because buying a house is a big deal. It's not like we'll want to move again in a few years. We could, I know, but we need to decide where we want to be by the time the kids start school. I don't want them to go through so many changes. It's hard enough leaving the home I brought both Westen and Aeson home from the hospital to!

Everyone says all will work out as it should... but that still doesn't leave us completely powerless and doesn't take away from the decision-making that still needs to be done now!

Moving?

Get my Internet working and my desire to blog up and I blog like crazy! Unfortunately, I think I've lost some readers.. Boo. :(

So, we're considering moving to Eric's hometown. It's about a half hour from where we currently live and we're there pretty often. Eric's parents live there and my mom owns a business there. We would have grandparents blocks away and be able to work out for free! (and take the kids with!) It's a smaller (non college!) town too, which I think would be nice. We started looking at houses and unfortunately, there's almost nothing in our price range! There are also several other people looking in our range, so anything that does come up is immediately snatched. We would have to sell our home first, so that gives us a bit of a disadvantage.

We found one home that we actually just put an offer in for this past week. It's an older home, like our current one is. I love the charm and originality of older homes. It's four bedroom, two full bath.. has an upstairs.. a garage.. a fenced back yard.. nice neighborhood.. fireplace, dining room, full basement. It's pretty much perfect.. BUT.. no central air and baseboard heat (which means we'd have to put in a new furnace and all the duct work and all for central air.. on which the price is doubled because it's a 2 story home).. and the people took very poor care of the home, so everything needs repainted, re-carpeted, etc.. I think it'd be beautiful once all of that was done. It's actually bank owned, so they have up to a week to get back to us.. but I'm not expecting them to take our offer. We only offered about half because of all the work that needs done. We'll see!

I still haven't decided about schools for Westen and this leaves me even more unsure now. I don't know whether to even think about the schools here if we're just going to be moving-- and on the same note, I probably won't want Westen to even start here if we're not going to stay here. Our state is in a bad place right now financially and things are being cut all over.. Resulting in Eric's hometown cutting their pre-k program completely. Our current town has reduced it to half a day, which is fine by me because it's not something Westen NEEDS. He actually had the pre-k screening the other day and of course did well. He got a score of 28 and you had to get 21 or above. So they take the kids who need it first and then offer it to others. The lady doing the screening said Westen was so smart and polite. It was funny to listen to him answer her and figure things out. I have to say I was much more impressed with the public school than the private Catholic one we had also visited.

So much up in the air!

Random thoughts

Aeson started waving this week. He's also made progress on the crawling and while he can't yet get up on all fours or move forward, he does scoot backward. :) He's tried some new (more 'adult') foods this week and isn't sure about a lot of the textures. He's currently dancing to music on the tv and shaking a rattle.. I love him!

Had a LLL meeting this week. I always learn so much from them, and I enjoy seeing the other moms and their babies! I'm definitely getting used to caring for so many children, but I *SO* miss adult interaction! Most moms there said they lost most their weight the second year of breastfeeding.. I certainly hope that's true for me! (Well, they said it was just more gradual the first year and then really came off the second) Eric gets frustrated with my negative self-view, but I just want my body back!

I'm not sure how long I'll nurse. Aeson still relies on it so much.. It will be very hard to break him! (And it will break my heart too, I'm sure!) He still nurses through the night, so my cycle has yet to return. It's been nice having it gone for 18 months!

I've changed so much from Westen to Aeson. I didn't stick with breastfeeding (didn't ask for help), gave immunizations, and let him cry when it came to Westen. I feel so bad about all of that! I'm proud of successfully nursing Aeson (I've learned so much about formula!!), I'm SO strongly against vaccinations now that I've done the research, and I *never* let Aeson cry. It's so weird how little ole me (the same person) could be so different in just the span of a few years. It's making me question nearly everything and not really believe fully in anything anymore, because it seems that I find out contradictory stuff all the time.

Speaking of changing, while cleaning my room the other day I came across letters and cards from my prior relationship (marriage if you want to call it that). It's so strange how I barely even remember that as MY life.. just doesn't seem real. It still brought tears to my eyes, knowing how strongly I felt and the things I believed then. I saved a few of them, just so Westen can know he was conceived by people who really did at least think they loved each other.

Time to feed baby!

Acey poo poo loo

I need to write more often! I can't remember even a fraction of what has happened by the time I get on here.

Eric started his new job, and it's not going too badly. He likes it. I don't too much care for him not getting home until 7pm (as we eat dinner and then go to bed since Aeson's ready!), but it is nice having him home in the mornings to help and having that time between 5:30-7 to get things done around here and just enjoy the kids myself. That was one long sentence.

Daycare is going pretty well. The hardest time is when Aeson is nursing.. Luckily he doesn't take long, but it's hard to keep up with the other kids while I'm doing that. I've been doing it for a little over 3 months and I'm learning the whole time!

Aeson is 8 months old now. He still isn't crawling, but he rolls over every time he's laid down now and certainly tries very hard. He bounces up and down and claps when he sees me or Eric. I've been trying to teach him sign language but now he just uses clapping for everything! Haha. He just recently has started making "mum mum" noises and laughing when we laugh. He's laughed AT things for a long time (and is VERY ticklish!) but now it's so cute to hear him laugh just because we are. He's a wonderful child and is getting SO big. He's in 18-24 month clothes. He eats crackers and little puff things.. Doesn't do real well with real food, though. He barely eats any food for breakfast or lunch but will typically eat most of a jar for dinner. He absolutely refuses cereal and meat, which unfortunately is where he's supposed to be getting a lot of nutrients! Last time we went to the doc, she said it was still fine because he was getting everything he needs from me, but I would expect that would start to change as he gets older. I don't think we'll need to worry about his size, though! :) He just recently got his second ear infection. :( Everyone in the daycare had horrible coughs and runny noses and I guess he got it from that. It still seems to be bothering him. I can't wait until he's feeling better and back to my normal, happy baby.

Westen is getting SO big. I can't even believe how old he is. He's good most of the time, but we've had some difficulty with him being mouthy already! I love his help with the daycare, because he always tells me if somebody's going to do something they shouldn't. He's a huge help and the babies LOVE him. They all smile at him. :) It's so hard having two kids, because since I had Aeson I feel like I'm harder on Westen, expect more out of him, and don't have as much time for him. I'm sure if I feel like that, he does too. Your whole view just changes, though, and the older sibling IS the one who should know better, etc. I just have to try hard to remember he's still just a little boy. A lot of things will change too once Aeson becomes more independent of me, I think. He is so attached that we can never leave him for more than just a very short time. Eventually, we'll be able to give each of the boys their own time. It sort of scares me for having more kids, though! I want a big family, but I know issues like this will get harder with each one!

Being home and Acey being so needy has been good for us, though.. We've been able to bond in a way that I don't think we were quite able to, as he was whisked away at birth and then in NICU for 10 days, with me barely being able to hold him the first several days. I can't even remember that time in our lives without getting tearful. It still affects me greatly.

We're considering moving! More on this later... :)

Change is coming

Eric got a new job.

I'm frustrated!

Not sure how I'm going to handle all the kids alone now more days than not.

Still no insurance. Lesser pay but guaranteed days. Later hours.. later home.. Aeson goes to bed early.. less time with the kids. Still working Saturdays- but getting off earlier. Still driving.

Not sure how Westen's going to go to preschool in the fall now, as the three days he would attend were going to be the days Eric wouldn't work.. but now Eric will be at work and there's no way I can load up all the daycare kids just to pick Westen up.

Westen's had LOTS of attitude lately. Lots. He needs school. Needs to get out of the house for a bit!

My only sister, her husband, and my new nephew are moving 4 hours away.

It's been a bad week.

On the positive side... I've gotten the entire house cleaned today and we're going shopping for summer clothes for the boys tomorrow. I hope things change by August.

Sick!

On Tuesday, one of the daycare kids developed a temperature, was hardly eating, looked like he didn't feel well, and had some nasty diapers. I let the mom know, but since his fever wasn't over 100 (which I specified as not being allowed to be here in my rulebook), I didn't send him home. Mom brought him back the next morning, even though he was still sleeping (unusual).. apparently had no temp that morning. He didn't eat much breakfast and still looked unwell, so I took his temp a while later and again he had one- still not over 100, though. It was in the 99's, though. I gave him Tylenol and informed his mom who did come a couple hours early.

As soon as she left, I started vomiting. And continued to vomit every half hour for the next 6 hours. Well after there was anything even left TO vomit. I've never been so sick in my life. I woke up that night to Westen vomiting and then later Eric started. My sister texted to say she and her husband were too. My sister-in-law was also. Found out the next day another daycare child was. I feel soooo bad now that everyone got it from here. I have definitely learned and am going to strongly enforce from now on that if a child has ANY signs of illness, they are not allowed or are going to be sent home immediately. It was horrible to go through it. I've lost 10 lbs in just two days. I just now ate for the first time. I'm really worried about my milk supply, but from what I've read, it will come back.

I've nursed throughout, knowing that Aeson was already exposed to whatever bug we all got. He's definitely been more fussy and actually hasn't wanted to nurse much. That's hard when nursing is usually the key to calming him down! Eric tried to feed him milk from the freezer in a couple of different bottles and he wouldn't have anything to do with it. He's refused bottles since I've been home with him. We've still been feeding him solids, but he didn't even eat much of those. Maybe he's had a touch of the illness.. I'm not sure. He hasn't had any temp or ANY other symptoms- thank GOODNESS! I credit nursing FULLY for that!

Everyone's on the mend now, I think. I've been disinfecting like crazy. Still pretty weak, though. We're supposed to get nursing photos and some more of Aeson done tomorrow, so I'm hoping we feel up to it!

Updates on my babies (primarily for myself in the future :)) and a couple other items!

There is not a day that goes by without Westen saying 'Aeson is the cutest baby in the whole world' or some variation of him being the cutest. :) It's so funny to me because he as a sibling seems to love him just as much as we parents do. I have a sister that I love very, very much, but I (of course) don't remember being that young. It's adorable.

Aeson has been eating more and more solid foods. He's 7 months now. That means less nursing, which at first made me sad, but I've gotten more used to it now. He likes everything except for the meats and oatmeal. He gags on all the meat lol. That's fine with me, because they look and smell rather disgusting! He LOVES peas and mixed veggies. He's sitting fully on his own now and loves it. He plays all day long and has become a much happier baby. He still hasn't mastered crawling yet.. He gets his upper half lifted up but hasn't quite figured out the leg/butt part. We're still co-sleeping, and I'm not sure there will be an end to that anytime soon. I put him in his crib for naps during the day.. sometimes he wakes right up and sometimes he'll sleep quite a while. He never sleeps much during the day.. It's a rarity if he sleeps an hour. Usually, it's just a 15-30 minute nap here and there. He always wants to go to bed super early, though.. usually about 7:30. He gets quite fussy and will scream at the top of his lungs until we go! He still nurses throughout the night but never wakes up to cry unless we're not in bed with him. He won't sleep in there long without us right there. Last night, in fact, he started fussing because I wasn't close enough, so I moved my arm over and he pulled it in close to his face and fell right back to sleep, with his little arm grasping mine. It was adorable. I've heard to move him before he can call for me (he says 'da' all the time now, but no 'ma' yet!) but I just don't think any of us are ready yet. I've brought it up from time to time and Eric's never been ready either! lol. Still no teeth! No sign of any either! He still has the blondest hair and bluest eyes. All monitoring of his BWS has gone well. We haven't done anymore vaccinations, and I worry about this from time to time. I can't bring myself to do it, but I (of course) wonder if I (we) made the right decision. Aeson loves bathtime and the jumparoo. That's all I can think of to update right now!

Westen has been testing limits more lately. He's also been waking at night more, wanting his tv back on or wanting a drink. His grouchiness may be due to the lack of uninterrupted sleep, but I'm not sure. I'm anxious for him to start preschool actually, because I think it'll be good for him to get out of the house a few days a week. I was mislead by the preschool prices at the private school, though, and quite shocked to see what the tuition is for years following. I'm not sure if we'll be able to do it, but I've decided just to take it year by year and see what happens. I know that we definitely cannot afford it for more than one child, but I believe things will work out how they should by then.

Two weeks ago, I went dress shopping with a friend of mine. She'll be getting married in September and I'm one of the bridesmaids. That was a horrible experience. We all found dresses, but I am extremely unhappy with my post baby body. It's been 7 months too! I should definitely be back to 'normal' by now. The sad thing is that I've lost over 40 lbs too and am back to my pre-pregnancy weight buuut I'd gained already by then (since dating Eric!) and it's just distributed totally differently. I was near tears several times on my way home. :( It's so utterly depressing.

The daycare is stressful but fun. I'm up to four additional children now (besides my own). As stressful as it gets, I was reminded by driving past my old place of employment the other day how much I would hate leaving my children every day.

Well, time for a diaper change, dinner for baby, and bed!